:: 2/26/04

Q: Why do you not answer my letters? I send many lovely letters and I get no reply!! This makes me sad...

A: Toutes mes excuses! Je n'ai pas pensé que tu pourra me comprendre.. Ne sois pas si triste.

 

Q: That wandering pirate chick is really hot. Any chance she might swing both ways? And failing that, can I get a corset like that for myself?

A: J'ai entendu que les pirates ont un tres bon sens pour la mode. J'ai également entendu qu'ils sont remarquablement sexy (en tous cas ceux qui ne sont pas tout sales). En tous cas je pense que tu ferais mieux de lui demender toi même.

 

Q: Why is Davis such a wimp? I mean, for a guy brave enough to work (using the term loosely here) at the RDT, wouldn't you think he should have a bit more backbone?

A: Davice est un homme sensible, apres tout un homme sans coeur n'est qu'une bête. Ah si seulement il était un peu moins vivant!

 

Q: Don't you want to turn around right about -- never mind -- too late.

A: Ça fait déjà très longtemps qu'il soit trop tard pour moi!

 

Q: Wise men say only fools fall in love. But I can't help falling in love with you! I guess my question is... can you erase Elvis from history? Dude! I can't believe this song is stuck in my forehead. I need to listen to some Pink Floyd or something now. Man.

A: Et alors?? Est-ce que tu m'aime ou pas? Oh que je déteste ces jeux!

 

Q: Genevie, je suis follement dans l'amour avec vous ! M'épouserez-vous ? (je suis mort aussi!)

A: Tres audacieux! Tu devras demander à mon père ma main en marriage! (Il est egalement mort, essaye Paris, il a toujours apprécié cette ville.)

 

Q: What would happen if Davis and Ms. Harper had children? Would this mean the world was ending, or just create a superhuman race of really bossy people who destroy and/or break everything they touch? Or am I just going to get hurt for asking this?

A: Ah ce serait si mignon! Ils auraient les cheveux rouges, et tous mourront dans des accidents calamiteux!

A la prochaine!

:: 2/19/04

Q: Could my roommate please have his computer returned? Surely his incompetence isn't THAT dangerous...?

A: Hello! I say,  you seem to be in the same predicament as I. I too am seeking to have my property returned. I hope you aren't implying I am of low ability! Ha ha! That's a joke! Because clearly I am not! What a sense of humour I have. However, I must admit that I am at a loss when faced with the sheer evil of Ms. Harper. I propose that you and I combine forces to overcome the obstacle of the front door to the Repository of Dangerous Things. Together we can reclaim our rightful items. Yes, I have stolen their letters! I'll show them!

 

Q: Last night I was bitten by this big dog. And now I have hair growing in places there was no hair before. Now, my question is, do I need to be housebroken?

A: You need to be run through the heart with a silver dagger, and your corpse burned. I am free next Tuesday? It is also possible that you are becoming a man, and the dog-biting was sheer coincidence. Either way, you are in for a world of hurt. I am sorry.

 

Q: I just broke up with my girlfriend and she has since become a dangerous thing to me. Would it be better to send her to the RDT or to go there myself and hide my, also very dangerous to my wellbeing, tears?

A: I would say your best bet is to not only lose your girl, but your best knight (well most of them really), your treasured weapon, your wizard, &c.  You can top it off by being saved by the squire of the guy your girl ran off with and dying in your arch-enemy's arms. Also, profanity helps.

 

Q: Can I have Davis...Please?

A: Only if you come with us to invade the RDT. At which point, help yourself to any spoils you can lay your filthy holy hands on.

 

Q: Ohhh - are you like umm, Canadian, because you spell colour with a u, and all. Because... I... AM... CANADIAN.

A: No. Perhaps you don't realise, I am Arthur! King of Britons! And as a Canadian, you should be ashamed of yourself- where has your pride in Britain gone? You aren't worth the scrape of my boot! Go back to your beer and bears and ice fishing, and your French-speaking cities filled with pacifists!

 

Q: Ask and ye might receive? What does ye mean? Who says ye?

A: I says ye. No more of your insolence or I run you through.

 

Q: If the RDT were a sandwich, what kind of sandwich would it be?

A: A frustrating and hateful one. Perhaps a reuben.

 

Q: How come if you're going to sneeze, and you say "I'm going to sneeze", you don't sneeze?

A: Reverse psychology.

 

Q: Have you seen my sheep? I think they went rabid...

A: I know nothing of these sheep. I am Arthur, King of Britons! Such livestock are beneath me, unless they are my food- then they are inside me! Go find a sheepherder and ask him whence your fleecy companions have gone.

Bah! I was hoping for a package in the post, something to aid me in my quest. Useless paper and letters! Give me a weapon!

:: 2/12/04

Q: If fire is a primal fear, then what about kittens?

A: Also a primal fear, mostly of teeny things and balls of yarn. More rare! That makes it better.

 

Q: Where do Anime Mallets of Doom come from?

A: I'm not sure, what's Japanese for Acme?

 

Q: Can the R.D.T return my poor little Hydra to me? I miss him so dearly...

A: No! He has found other employment... with me! It's wonderful to scare people half to death while they're vulnerable and sleeping. Hydra loves it. Hydra is not coming back to you.

 

Q: What is the square root of pie, that is assuming that it was an apple pie and not something like oooohhh let's say a beef pie. And why is this root square? I thought roots where roundish. Do you have square roots and how good do they taste in pie?

A: Um.

 

Q: I'm having this problem with a thing under my bed....it's starting to annoy me...it looks kinda like rabid mold....how can I get rid of it? MOO!

A: Mooing won't help. You've got to offer it a wage and benefits package that's better than whatever it's getting now to stay there.

 

Q: HOW DO I GET A DATE WITH SHAE DOLL!?!?!?! -Geno (The spirit possessed doll from Super Mario RPG)

A: Err... I only rule over nightmares, not nice dreams. Though... maybe if it was a nightmare for Shaedoll... No, I couldn't do that. She's too nice! Get lost, and stop yelling.

 

Q: I spent all night in a tree last night! That's dangerous! I plan to spend tonight in a tree as well! Which is dangerous! Does that make me a Dangerous Thing?! If so, do I lock my self away here or at the RDT?!

A: You sound like one of those wacky environmentalists. My favorite thing to do is bore through their tree in their nightmares with my surprisingly garbage-disposal-like mouth. Not only do they not save their tree, they usually scream in their sleep, thinking they're falling and dying. Hehhehheh! So in summary, please stay where you are!

 

Q: How do I stop monkies from invading my dreams and stealing my brain?

A: Um, you can't. I could, but I'm not going to. Haha.

 

Q: Are dangerous things often dangerous to other dangerous things?

A: Eheheheheheheh.... yes. (What? I did nothing!)

So I think tonight I'll send you the nightmare where all your teeth fall out and shatter to pieces....

:: 2/05/04

Q: How much money would I have to pay for a Tentacula? One of those would really make the moat of my fortress dangerous!

A: You can't buy a Tentacula. You have to woo her.

 

Q: Aren't you guys aware that your entire existence is controlled by a not-so-mysterious artist?! Every move you make is governed by her twisted will!

A: Well, at least it's a she.

 

Q: Do you ever leave the RDT? If so, what are your favorite places to go?

A: Home. And to bars if I have a good story to tell. And sometimes, Army-Navy supply stores for clothes.

 

Q: Dude, you are a girl. Maybe you can tell me why a girl thinks that pretending to hate a guy that likes her is a good way to get him to shake a crush. Like, just say something! Sure beats being crushed like that. Yeah, whatever - I know, grow up and all that. sigh. I just wish girls wouldn't treat me like that. I might not be a catch, but man, I am not dirt, either.

A: Dude, I am a girl. The problem with us is that we're far more perceptive to implied things than men are. They do things like "drop hints" that are not even on the radar for guys. Most girls don't figure that out until it's way too late for their early hopeful-boyfriends. Girls feel bad when they have to flat-out tell a guy they aren't interested, it seems vulgar to them. She may have been trying to drop a hint (which she later judged you were too dense to have pick up, and thus doubly unworthy of her affection, you're obviously a cretin). Obviously the key here is communication. You need to write her a note that says "Do you like me? Circle One: Yes  No" and she needs to circle one of those and pass it back  to you, hopefully not through a friend, because that might be embarrassing. Don't accept a written-in "maybe."

 

Q: Bah! The Piranha Bees are in my eyes!

A: Idiot.

 

Q: I know this guy, but the problem is, he lives so far away! I'm in love with him but I miss him so much, and people close to *both* of us like us, and... what should I do?

A: You want me to weigh love against convenience? I don't think so. That's your decision. If you aren't sure if you really like either of them enough to commit to anything, maybe you need to spend some time lonely and uncertain. Then you'll recognize a good thing when it arrives in Dallas. I mean, in your life. Also, eat more fiber and less sugar. Sugar is nature's poison.

 

Q: You're walking down the street one day, minding your own business and enjoying the beautiful sunshine (or lack thereof, depending on where you live), when BLAMMOOOO!! This dude, out of NOWHERE, just walks up to you, and he's all like, "Hey dude, whassup." He's totally invading your privacy and he's definitely burst your little personal space bubble, and you don't even know the guy. Or do you? You start to think about it, and wonder if you actually DO know him, you just completely forgot who he is! For all you know, you've SLEPT with this man!! WHAT WOULD YOU DO!??!?!?!!?!!?!!!?!??

A: Punch him in the stomach. He's blocking my sun.

 

Q: Wait, so... money is dangerous (or can be), but the RDT doesn't seem to have much of it. What gives?

A: We have quite a lot of it, actually, but can you imagine the kind of bills we have? The Antimatter electromagnetic vacuum containers cost us about $60,000  a year alone in electricity.

 

Q: Do you have any dragons in the RDT? Or dinosaurs? Or giant snakes? Or any other sort of interesting, deadly reptilian creatures?

A: We have a dead stegosaurus named Stomper. We also have occasional dragons (unauthorized) and some other, less animate and sentient forms of reptilian life. There's also a Gila monster in the Courtyard. I believe there's a family of geckos around here somewhere, too. Some other things around here might be slightly reptilian in appearance, but we can't define their relationship exactly, so we don't bother.

I'm still not sure why I don't just strap a monkey to this typewriter....

:: 1/29/04

Q: I feel bad for Phil, he's so lonely. So, Hi Phil! I'll be your friend! Want my mom to send you cookies?

A: That's the sweetest thing anyone has ever said to me. Would it be creepy if I said I think I love you already? I mean, I know you are just trying to be nice, but... I always knew that if I fell in love with anyone, I would want them to be so incredibly nice. I would love some cookies, can your mother make cat cookies? Can I meet your mother? Have I said something wrong? Ah, I knew it...

 

Q: Seniorita, I feel for you. You deal with things that you don't have to. He doesn't love you, I can tell by his charm. But you can feel this real love if you just lay in my arms.

A: Justin Timberlake wrote me a letter? Is this... is this my birthday? I don't know what to say...!

 

Q: You want a cookie?

A: So many people offering me cookies... maybe it IS my birthday. I don't remember, I don't even think I HAVE a birthday, I mean, I wasn't born... not like normal living things... I just sort of evolved and there I was one day. I feel so inadequate. I'd love a cookie.

 

Q: Does Davis possess a "nice mizzenmast"?

A: Oh, um... I don't... really I don't see why you're asking me... I'm not really... he's very nice? But... he doesn't like me. Which is understandable I guess.

 

Q: Is there EVER a bad time for pudding?

A: Yes. Some types of pudding are more acceptable than others. When I tell people that I LOVE black pudding, I get funny looks and maybe some of them scoot away. Also, depending on how into eating the pudding you get, you might never want to do it around others... even if they don't know what you're eating. So exercise discretion.

 

Q: I like kittens. They're yummy in my tummy.

A: Me too! Wow, what a great batch of letters!

 

Q: There is this rabbit that has been trying to kill me. Can you help me? What? No! Bun-bun! Stay away... ack...

A: Kill it first?

 

Q: You see a lost puppie (awww a puppie!) what would you do? If it spewed fire balls to show that it liked you, would it change your answer?

A: Well, there's no sense in a good puppy going to waste, but if it were spewing fireballs at me to show me it liked me, I guess I would have to make it not like me. I mean, it isn't going to matter once I get ahold of it anyway.

 

Q: Potato?

A: No thanks, I'm on a meat-only diet.

Thank you for your letters... they give me a reason to crawl out of my self-enforced solitude brought on by shame. Back to the basement....

:: 1/22/04

Q: What is your personal favorite dangerous object in the RDT?

A: Me.

 

Q: Why is my belly button blue?

A: It sounds like you've stuck candy in it. Again.

 

Q: Dude. I am seriously piss ass drunk and have to backspace a hundred times just to get the words to sorta look like they should. Anyway, my question is. Umm. Beer before liqure, never been sicker, or is it the other way around. Cause, dude, I don't want to be sick in the morning. I can't even remember what I was asking. btw, reading this doens't make sense to me drunk, I doubt it makes snese to you sober. try it drunk . My eyes are crossing now.

A: Um.... 'kay. But that's right. And liquor before beer, never fear. But honestly, beer is a vile drink. It's swill! Personally I drink only the finest wines, which I can get whenever I want (I just have to wish them into existence, you know) and they never give me a hangover. Hangovers are mostly due to impurities in the alcohol, you know. That's why beer is crap.

 

Q: Suppose an unstoppable force met an immovable object, causing the instantaneous and total destruction of the infinite dimensions of our multiverse. Can you touch your tongue to your nose?

A: Yes. I can also roll it into a burrito. I have a very flexible tongue. Also, I'm single. Just saying.

 

Q: Where do all those tentacles keep coming from?

A: The hentai fanboy dream-to-reality generator (very dangerous). Also, mutant flora and fauna. And dimensional rips. Oh and inorganic sentient alien bacteria.

 

Q: My bonnet lies over the ocean. Did I mention I live in Europe? Also, did I mention it's a bonnet of DEATH?

A: Distance and water are nothing, in matters of love and death. (Anyway, shouldn't you be glad your bonnet of death is far away from you? I mean, really.)

 

Q: Are you open for room and board at the RDT?

A: Not me personally, no. Although if you're cute and female I might be able to spare room for you in my bottle for a night.

 

Q: Do you have a magic eight ball?

A: Everything I have is magic.

 

Q: My remote died. I am stuck on the shopping channel. Help me! Oh... those unique porcelain nymphs look interesting. Should I buy them?

A: Not as good as the real thing, trust me.

No one asked for wishes this time around... very interesting... how can I cause trouble on command if there are no commands?

:: 1/16/04

Q: What flavor is Golem? And please don't say Rhubarb.

A: I'd say he was clay-flavored. Seeing as he is made out of clay and all. I don't see why you would assume I would say he tasted of Rhubarb.

 

Q: 6?

A: That's not even a real question. It's just the number 6.

 

Q: If Ms. Harper released oxygen into her pet universe, and oxygen is being contained as the source of life, would she be ruining her pet universe by infesting it with life?

A: What? Why would giving life to a universe ruin it? I think you are trying to be clever, but it didn't work out.

 

Q: I deleted my system files, what do I do now?

A: You lose at computers.

 

Q: How many previous Santas does the RDT have locked away in consideration of public safety? After the radioactive atomic Santa incident of 1953 and the bizarre 8-dimensional Santa "adventure" of 1981, I figure you must have quite a few holed away.

A: I don't think any of that stuff ever really happened.

 

Q: So, is the sky really blue, or is that just government propaganda?

A: How could it be government propaganda? It's pretty obvious that the sky is blue. In fact, it doesn't even take very much to go outside, look up at the sky and think to yourself "You know, it really IS blue!" I mean... it's right there in front of you. And besides, what would a government gain from spreading propaganda as to the colour of the sky, when it would be so completely obvious from the outset? I mean come on.

 

Q: Same hypothetical scenario: Say Kylie Minogue walks up to YOU and asks you to marry her, and help her promote her new line of lingerie. What would YOU say back to that beautiful goddess?

A: I'd be all "Shut up babe I know it" and she'd be all "Okay". And I would congratulate her on being the only good thing that has ever come from Australia. Ever. Maybe Mad Max too. I like Mad Max.

 

Q: My cat just ate my roommate's project for school (an organic gameconsole). What do I do now?!

A: That sounds so cool! But I bet it's just a potato wired up to an old Watch N Play.

 

Q: What's my name fool?

A: You answered your own question.

Q: Perhaps purple penguin places possess perforated prolific pancakes????

A: Shutty shut shut shut shut shutshut up!

Thanks for those questions. They kinda make me appreciate being alone in my box.