Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.
May-June 03 |
July-Aug 03 | Sep-Oct 03
Nov-Dec 03 | Jan-Feb 04 |
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04
- Q: Hey- What did Wandering Laurie think of Pirates of the Caribbean?
- A: Mail? Fer me? Aye, that's a lovely thing! Well, I'll tell yer... I
thought it be a fine story, worthy o' repeatin', like the time I seduced the
king o' Madagascar on a bet. And that Johnny Depp- better'n Errol Flynn any
day! Not that I'dve minded sullyin' that Orlando Bloom, neither....
- Q: Hypothetical scenario: say Kylie Minogue walks up to you and asks you
to marry her, and help her promote her new line of lingerie. What would you
say back to that beautiful goddess?
- A: I don't see why not. She's a right peach.
- Q: So...where's the party tonight?
- A: Well, I'll tell ye, when yer a pirate, the party's wherever yer endin'
up, s'long as there's a bottle n' a song. I'd invite yer over t'my place,
but I think I'll be a mite busy with missy Minogue.
- Q: Who are the French?
- A: A buncha pushovers, if yeh ask me. I b'lieve that black cat runnin'
around this place'd agree with me.
- Q: Why do we all invariably end up stalking the purple monkey?
- A: Because when yer three sheets to the wind, them little buggers come
out to taunt yer, and yer can't tolerate that. Yer lets a purple monkey
taunt yer and ye'll never keep the respect o' yer crew. Gots ter kill it.
- Q: Hey, where can I get my own Universe-in-a-jar? - Chance
- A: Why d'yer want a universe in a jar? Yer can't go in'ta enjoy it. Ask
me, I'd much prefer t'sail the open seas. Explore the place yer got already!
- Q: What would you suggest for a good cure for a hangover?
- A: Hair o' the dog, mate. If yer want a little more body innit, add some
- Q: Is beer not the nectar of the Gods?
- A: Are ye daft? It's rum! Everyone knows it!
All this mail is makin' me thirsty for some piratin'... I'll be takin' my
leave now, if yer don't mind.
- Q: How are you?
- A: Hmm, time to fill out this application for renewal on this
internship. Do I really want to keep working here? I mean, the monsters...
but... easy... and sometimes fun... lots of good stories to tell at
parties... eh, I'm good.
- Q: Where are you, what are you doing there, and why?
- A: Allright. "Request to renew position at Repository of Dangerous
Things, paid internship, to fulfill requirements for business management
- Q: Are they watching right now?
- A: Why do I feel like I'm being watched...? Weird... that always seems
to happen right before someone gooses me....
- Q: What is the hourly RDT pay rate, and how can I get a job there?
- A: I agree to a pay wage of $7 hourly, paid biweekly, increased from $6
hourly due to the extended time period of my internship.
- Q: So, how often is the RDT noticed and troubled by outsiders?
- A: I agree not to disclose information regarding the legal situation of
the R.D.T. or any individuals involved.
- Q: Can I have the phone number for the RDT? I have some, uh, really
dangerous stuff I want to, uh, you know. Its not that I think Ms. Harper is
hot or anything like that at all. No. I just need the phone number to help
get rid of you know, dangerous stuff. Please?
- A: I agree not to compromise the security and confidentiality of the
R.D.T. I agree not to speak to public agencies regarding the R.D.T., its
contents, employees, or operations.
- Q: Does Davey love me?
- A: I agree not to pursue other opportunities during my internship at the
- Q: Davis, when your internship is over, you aren't gonna leave us are
- A: I understand that upon termination of my internship, I am expected to
pursue employment in a field non-competitive with, but may be, or be
adjacent to, the R.D.T.
Signed, Davis Wilkins.
- Q: I have a "thing" in my basement. It resembles a side of beef only
smaller and has small green
protrusions sprouting from the top, I am unsure if it is dead, alive, mold,
or an non-organic,
non-living thing. I am quite sure its dangerous, I think it ate my pet toad!
The problem is,
I'm quite afraid to get near it, does the RDT make house calls? And if not,
is there some sort
of device in the RDT to get rid of "things"?
- A: Davis told me the other day that I need to cheer the hell up, it's
nearly Christmas, for crying out loud. So I'll try and be positive with all
my replies. You have no idea how hard it is to type with mantis claws.
Anyway, I think you should be more sensitive to the feelings of the living,
feeling being you are calling a "thing." He or she is probably just lonely.
Try to move beyond your physical repulsion, you might make an interesting
- Q: You're gay! Why does your comic seem so crappy?
- A: Firstly, there is no possible way I can be attracted to members of
the same OR opposite sex, nor be found attractive by them, as I don't even
think I have a biological sex. So your assertion/insult has no actual basis,
even if you weren't being stupid. And secondly, I don't even know how you
found out about my comic, because I haven't even put it online yet- I want
to make sure the market is right for crappily Flash-drawn sprites ripped off
from video games clichéd unfunny punchlines
made nonsensical out of context comics.
- Q: What I want to know is if you can make nuclear weapons from everyday
household objects? I mean
Martha Stuart makes tons of things from household objects.. why not nuclear
- A: Actually you can. But it wouldn't be in the holiday spirit to tell
you how to make on to destroy all the people who have ever slighted you
throughout your long, lonely life.
- Q: Do spiderodents make good pets?
- A: They are my only friends.
- Q: Hey, this one pair of pants I own are on fire. Perpetually, I mean.
That is to say, they are
always on fire. What should I do?
- A: Wear a shirt that is always dripping wet. Or go live with
- Q: Who is Ms. Harper's hairdresser?
- A: Me.
- Q: Do you have the TARDIS there at the RDT?
- A: Sometimes, it comes and goes.
- Q: Seriously.
- A: Yes! Why would I lie to you? Why would I lie to ANYone, especially
the way I've been tr- no, no, be positive... I am serious. Thank you for
your inquiry of my veracity.
- Q: What if Savage Garden hadn't broken up? Hmmmmmm? WHAT THEN??
- A: WHAT? Savage Garden broke up?! NO!!! First INXS, now this... oh
god... I need chocolate...
- Q: What's on a cat's mind?
- A: The feline brain is covered by several layers of cells called the
meninges. From the outside to the inside, they are the dura mater, the
arachnoid layer, and the pia mater. They are kind of stuck together. They
are also delici- what?
- Q: GIVE ME BACK MY PANTS!!!
- A: I can't... I broke them. I apologize for my thoughtlessness and fat
I think I did pretty good! This could be a new step for me.
- Q: Ms. Harper is either growing her own baby caged universe, or using
some place in deep space as a dumping point for the dangerous things .
However, while such a place is undoubtedly a good place to place dangerous
things, while also placing such a dangerous door to deep space in the RDT,
isn't she just setting up Earth to be invaded by frog-squids and squid-frogs
from Omicron Persei VIII?
- A: Golem think you asking too many questions. Besides, inhabitants of
Omicron Persei VIII not dangerous- only eat hippies.
- Q: Which is most dangerous: Sticking a fork in a socket, in a toaster,
or in one's eye?
- A: In own eye. Socket just tickle a bit, maybe you wet your pants.
Toaster maybe not plugged in. Eye? Pretty dangerous every time, unless you
not using them or something.
- Q: Those doors lead to the lands of death. Are the lands of death *in*
the RDT or is that just the doors?
- A: What, direct connection to afterlife not enough for you? Does not
matter once you are in it. You not coming back. Golem and Ms. Harper make
sure of that.
- Q: A lot of interesting things came out of
Death's Door. What
mythos is this version of Death from? Greek, RDT, Terry Pratchett?
(obviously not Terry Pratchett...) - reference man <--
- A: All mythos lead to afterlife behind Death's Door. Even fictional
ones. Death is equal opportunity existence.
- Q: Who are you and what did you do to Golem?
- A: Golem wondering if you stick fork in your eye recently?
- Q: Why does it cost $100 to buy KoolAid at this stand I just saw?
- A: Golem think punk kids trying to rip you off. Solution: loom. If loom
no work, smash.
- Q: Ok... *pant**wheeze* ...I finally subdued my golem. Can you store him
for me? He's just like your Golem, only evil and slightly used.
- A: How much your golem lift? Golem not need more dead weight around.
- Q: You know, I bet my deathbot monkeys could beat your deathbot monkleys.
So give me back me gameboy. ~Owl
- A: Maybe. But all deathbot monkeys afraid of Golem. Golem wins.
- Q: What can RDT stand for other than Repository of Dangerous Things???
- A: Lots of things.
- Q: What would you get if you crossed Phil with a spider-rodent? Or Golem
with Voodoo Doll Shae? Or Mr. Tavlin with Patton?
- A: Phil + spiderrodent: More pink wiggly things than before. Golem +
ShaeDoll: Flat ShaeDoll. Mr. Tavlin + Patton: Old Army and Marine stories in
Golem like answering questions. So many good ones. Hard to pick.
- Q: There is this girl who I really, really like. I want to ask her to be
my girlfriend, but I don't know if she likes me. I mean, we are friends and
all, and sometimes I am certain that she is flirting with me and all, but I
still don't know. So, my question is, how can I find out if I should ask her
out? Wait... who are you, and what happened to Abby?
- A: Wow, I feel all advice-columny. Cool! Okay, the thing with girls is,
if they're flirting with you, sometimes they don't mean it. And sometimes
they do. And sometimes they don't know if they mean it or not, and won't
know until you just ask them out and they either give you the most disgusted
look you've ever seen in your life, or they do the cute batty-eyelashes
thing and say "okay!" and go running off giggling. So you just have to give
it a shot, because girls are stupid and insane. Say, that was easy.
- Q: I have a major infestation of gorilla shaped cabbages, which to my
surprise seem to have taken a sort of primitive sentience. They are at this
very moment beating the living daylight out of my brother, and have hidden
every right sock on the house. What should I do to get rid of these gorilla
cabbages? And if I ever get them contained, where can I find the RDT?
- A: It's a known fact that cabbages hate boiling and/or pickling. What
you need to do is invite
Mama Zora over, give her a knife, a big pot of water, and a couple of
quarters, and point her at the cabbages. You will have a
gorilla-cabbage-free house, and either a bad smell with delicious
sauerkraut, or an unsated Mama Zora. Um. You may not think that is so
helpful of an answer... but please, what I'm trying to say is, take Mama
Zora. Take her far away from Boston especially.
- Q: What would Davis do for a Klondike bar?
- A: I think after all the stuff that's happened to me, I deserve one
without having to do tricks for it. What do you say?
- Q: Ach! Ze Klondayk Bar is cursed!
- A: ... Oh I see how you are. Screw you and your cursed Klondike bar! I
brought a sandwich anyway.
- Q: What do I do to get my own room!
- A: You need to start acting responsibly and leave your little brother
alone, god dammit. At least, that's what my parents told me.
- Q: My husband mowed the hose as well as the grass, got grass clippings
all over my nearly dry washing, locked the cat in the garage and constantly
puts everything away in exactly the wrong place - Would you like him to fill
in when Davis goes on holiday?
- A: .... That letter wasn't meant for me to read, was it? I don't know
you, but I don't think I like you much. You know, I don't peek into your
daily life, watch you at work, dwell on all your mistakes, make fun of you
in public, and then laugh myself to sleep at night. Uh, unless you're the
President... but the president isn't a woman... so yeah, I don't do those
things to you! Is it too much to ask for a little respect? Is it? It must
be, because you are seriously lacking in the respect-for-me
department, lady. You're not even President. Shows what you know.
Lady. If you are a lady.
- Q: Does the RDT house any Somebody Else's Problem (SEP) field
generators, like from Hitchhiker's Guide? I think Davis could use one.
- A: What is with everyone picking on me today?! It isn't like I haven't
had a crappy day already, I mean, first I can't stop thinking about
the Box, which causes
all kinds of bad luUUOOOOWWWWWWW MY EYES stopthinkingaboutthebox
noboxnomorebox calm blue ocean calm blue ocean.... bunnies... oil that is...
Texas tea.... movie stars...
- Q: Why is Texas?
- A: Well, the answer isn't five.
Because professors are sadistic on finals, maybe?
- Q: My house is on fire. How can I further prevent this situation with a
bottle of vodka?
- A: If you're like me, you'll try and use
alcohol as a form of
escape. But it doesn't work. It only makes things worse. And whatever
you do, don't pour the vodka on the fire. Unless it's really bad
vodka, in which case, drink all of it, and then throw yourself in the
fire to avoid the brain-crushingly awful hangover you're going to have in
the morning. So the solution is... um... call the fire department.
- Q: I think that's a dumb idea.
- A: Maybe, but you're not the one who gets to answer letters! HA HA HA
who's making fun of who NOW?!
Seriously. If I want this kind of abuse I'm going to just go back to work.
Or to school. Or go hang out with
- Q: What are the deathbot monkeys?
- A: Activated.
- Q: Make the bad man stop, make the bad man stop!
- A: Execute program.
- Q: Hey sexy, what's your name?
- A: Target identified.
- Q: I want to take more of the self-guided tour and I'm not willing to
wait and find out exactly were it is I'm going. What should I do?
- A: Tactical approach.
- Q: Ok... I've seen this box here for ages now... tell me how to forget
someone whom you love but won't love you back?
- A: Engage target.
- Q: Help! We're suffering from a class 1 political infestation!! Holy
water doesn't work! Voting only encourages them! Any other suggestions?
- A: KILL KILL KILL KILL KILL
- Q: The holidays are coming and I'm short on gift ideas, as usual. Any
- A: Assess damage.
- Q: I have tweaked my Game Boy and now I can use it to zap things with
big laser beams from a satellite (like the one in that movie 'Akira'). Only
my gym teacher confiscated the thing when I blew up the basketball hoop. I'm
pretty sure she sent it to the RDT. So can I please have it back, because I
was really building up a highscore :( -Owl
- A: Target eliminated.
- Q: Is there a Repository of Non-Dangerous things?
- A: Terminate program.
- Q: Who cleans up after the monkey deathbots?
- A: Davis.
- Q: If you where a crayon, would you still have your paper wrapper?
- A: My paper wrapper fell off long ago.
- Q: Big brother is watching.
- A: Yes, actually, he is.
- Q: Is it legal to keep spiderrodents as pets in Australia? If so, can I
- A: Well, they do have this thing about bringing in foreign animals. I'm
not even sure how we've kept them from overrunning this place, although it
does sort of have its own built-in pest control.
- Q: Where can I find instructions for building my own Robot Death Monkey?
- A: You know, we actually used to have those on file. While Ms. Harper
was doing her stint with the CIA, though, things got kind of out of order.
The instructions vanished somewhere... lord knows where... we've been
keeping an eye out for them on eBay and the peer-to-peer networks, but
whoever has 'em is sitting on 'em. We can only hope they only mean to make
money rather than build some of their own...
- Q: How many items are currently at the R.D.T. and what section makes up
the most items?
- A: I don't think we've ever done an official count. Probably more than
we COULD count. Like the dual-realitizer, do we count that as one thing, or
does it count as two because it exists as matter AND antimatter? I would
have to say the Hall of Ideas is the biggest room, though. It's like an
- Q: Do you remember that Golem that I wanted to make and promised to not
make evil? Well, I lied and now it turned on me and I could use some help...
- A: HA ha ha ha ha ha! Oh you poor damned fool.
- Q: I am angry, and anger is dangerous. Should I come put myself away at
- A: Have you tried seeking therapy? I don't really want another
overemotional idiot to keep track of.
- Q: I am throwing a party, and was wondering if you wanted to come. Bring
- A: You're on.
5PM- the best type of PM. See ya. Gotta hit the store on the way over to
that person's place.
- Q: I had this cookie I choked on. Is there any room for it at the RDT?
- A: Ew... take your vomit cookie someplace else!
- Q: Can I have a cookie?
- A: You can have that person's cookie?
- Q: So I guess what I'm asking is... can I have a cookie?
- A: Seriously, help yourself.
- Q: So what colour is the sky in your world?
- A: Sort of a
Butternutsquash color. And if Ramón were drawing my world, it would look
sexy as hell.
- Q: What I want to know is this. Quentin Tarantino is the craziest man
alive. Just look at Kill Bill. Will you lock him up? And how do you control
the monkey deathbots? Remote control?
- A: Well, Quentin Tarantino isn't the
craziest man alive, and if he were, we don't take living humans. Too
much effort... we refer them to Blockbuster Video or the Republican Party so
at least they can feel like they're making the world a better place while
they toil away mindlessly. And... I don't think you can control monkey
deathbots? I think maybe they take orders from Golem, but you really have to
get on their good side before they'll do anything for you willingly. Like
reducing your enemies to shreds and puffs and scraps of fabric.
- Q: I think my parents might have sent some stuff from my room to the RDT,
and I was just wondering if I could get them back. I'm really starting to
miss my sharp shiny objects collection.
- A: I've gotten rather attached to them, actually. They're quite useful!
- Q: Does Grace love me?
- A: Not if what her voodoo doll of you tells me is true. You poor guy.
I'll give myself a hug for you!
- Q: I have really bad nasal congestion. HELP.
- A: I would like to but I don't have a nose!
- Q: Last time I snorted Coke, ice cubes got stuck in my nose. What did I
- A: If you're the same person as in the previous question, I think I know
the answer to your nasal congestion problem. But as far as what you're doing
wrong, are you using an authentic hundred dollar bill? Quality matters.
Got to go, I have sharp shiny objects to polish!
- Q: So what do you think of Yanni?
- A: Yanni is a global phenomenon virtually unmatched in the annals of
popular music. In addition to selling gazillions of albums and
single-handedly bringing new age music to a mass audience, his flair for
showmanship led him to become the first Western musician to play concerts at
both the Taj Mahal and China's Forbidden City. Yanni's taste for the
grandiose is reflected in his music as well, which mixes the most dramatic
and sweeping elements of progressive rock, world music, neo-classical, and
experimental electronic music into a easily palatable stew that can be by
turns soothing or
- Q: Davis's girlfriend.
She isn't very nice. I wonder if there's a pattern?
- A: Definitely. And it comes in handy.
- Q: The monkey-things are soooo cute! I want one!
- A: No, I don't think that would be a good idea. Unless you have a Golem
to keep them in line, they're liable to eat you out of house and home. And
by "eat you" I mean "eat you."
- Q: Does anyone/anything there know of where I can find the runestaff of
Odin? About 6ft tall, black, carved in runes. Holds the universe together.
Hasn't been seen since Ragnarok. I need it for.... umm.... no particular
- A: Well, Odin still has it, doesn't he? A god of wisdom isn't foolish
enough to go losing anything carved from the world tree. So you'll just have
to find him first. And I'm not going to help you, because that's just asking
for trouble. Keep an eye out for a pair of ravens if you're really
- Q: Where did Phil come from, anyway?
- A: I did answer this already, more or
less. "Phil, for example, was
created from and survives by absorbing the radiation emitted by the
Generator that helped construct most of this place."
- Q: I think it would be only right to let YOU ask the questions once and
- A: Sucking up won't get you anywhere, no matter how much I like to have
my own way. What have you broken?
- Q: I could be a super model or Norman Mailer and you wouldn't know the
difference. Or would you?
- A: I would, because the only implants Norman Mailer has are the ones
that fly like snakes out of his head and
invade your brain, with sharp dialogue and wisdom beyond his (now
- Q: I bet Golem is color blind! I mean what's with that peachie rocky
toned body suit anyway?
- A: I'm not sure that Golem even has eyes. I think he's made entirely of
clay. His dense inner clay is still slightly damp, but the outer crust has
dried. That's why it breaks up a bit at the joints.
I know you're reading this at work, get back to it.