Ask the RDT: advice - mysteries - curiosity - boredom

Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.

May-June 03 | July-Aug 03 | Sep-Oct 03
Nov-Dec 03 |  Jan-Feb 04 | Mar-Apr 04
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04

:: 12/26/03

Q: Hey- What did Wandering Laurie think of Pirates of the Caribbean?
A: Mail? Fer me? Aye, that's a lovely thing! Well, I'll tell yer... I thought it be a fine story, worthy o' repeatin', like the time I seduced the king o' Madagascar on a bet. And that Johnny Depp- better'n Errol Flynn any day! Not that I'dve minded sullyin' that Orlando Bloom, neither....
Q: Hypothetical scenario: say Kylie Minogue walks up to you and asks you to marry her, and help her promote her new line of lingerie. What would you say back to that beautiful goddess?
A: I don't see why not. She's a right peach.
Q: So...where's the party tonight?
A: Well, I'll tell ye, when yer a pirate, the party's wherever yer endin' up, s'long as there's a bottle n' a song. I'd invite yer over t'my place, but I think I'll be a mite busy with missy Minogue.
Q: Who are the French?
A: A buncha pushovers, if yeh ask me. I b'lieve that black cat runnin' around this place'd agree with me.
Q: Why do we all invariably end up stalking the purple monkey?
A: Because when yer three sheets to the wind, them little buggers come out to taunt yer, and yer can't tolerate that. Yer lets a purple monkey taunt yer and ye'll never keep the respect o' yer crew. Gots ter kill it.
Q: Hey, where can I get my own Universe-in-a-jar? - Chance
A: Why d'yer want a universe in a jar? Yer can't go in'ta enjoy it. Ask me, I'd much prefer t'sail the open seas. Explore the place yer got already!
Q: What would you suggest for a good cure for a hangover?
A: Hair o' the dog, mate. If yer want a little more body innit, add some coffee.
Q: Is beer not the nectar of the Gods?
A: Are ye daft? It's rum! Everyone knows it!

All this mail is makin' me thirsty for some piratin'... I'll be takin' my leave now, if yer don't mind.

:: 12/22/03

Q: How are you?
A: Hmm, time to fill out this application for renewal on this internship. Do I really want to keep working here? I mean, the monsters... but... easy... and sometimes fun... lots of good stories to tell at parties... eh, I'm good.
Q: Where are you, what are you doing there, and why?
A: Allright. "Request to renew position at Repository of Dangerous Things, paid internship, to fulfill requirements for business management major."
Q: Are they watching right now?
A: Why do I feel like I'm being watched...? Weird... that always seems to happen right before someone gooses me....
Q: What is the hourly RDT pay rate, and how can I get a job there?
A: I agree to a pay wage of $7 hourly, paid biweekly, increased from $6 hourly due to the extended time period of my internship.
Q: So, how often is the RDT noticed and troubled by outsiders?
A: I agree not to disclose information regarding the legal situation of the R.D.T. or any individuals involved.
Q: Can I have the phone number for the RDT? I have some, uh, really dangerous stuff I want to, uh, you know. Its not that I think Ms. Harper is hot or anything like that at all. No. I just need the phone number to help get rid of you know, dangerous stuff. Please?
A: I agree not to compromise the security and confidentiality of the R.D.T. I agree not to speak to public agencies regarding the R.D.T., its contents, employees, or operations.
Q: Does Davey love me?
A: I agree not to pursue other opportunities during my internship at the R.D.T.
Q: Davis, when your internship is over, you aren't gonna leave us are you?
A: I understand that upon termination of my internship, I am expected to pursue employment in a field non-competitive with, but may be, or be adjacent to, the R.D.T.

Signed, Davis Wilkins.

:: 12/18/03

Q: I have a "thing" in my basement. It resembles a side of beef only smaller and has small green protrusions sprouting from the top, I am unsure if it is dead, alive, mold, or an non-organic, non-living thing. I am quite sure its dangerous, I think it ate my pet toad! The problem is, I'm quite afraid to get near it, does the RDT make house calls? And if not, is there some sort of device in the RDT to get rid of "things"?
A: Davis told me the other day that I need to cheer the hell up, it's nearly Christmas, for crying out loud. So I'll try and be positive with all my replies. You have no idea how hard it is to type with mantis claws. Anyway, I think you should be more sensitive to the feelings of the living, feeling being you are calling a "thing." He or she is probably just lonely. Try to move beyond your physical repulsion, you might make an interesting new friend!
Q: You're gay! Why does your comic seem so crappy?
A: Firstly, there is no possible way I can be attracted to members of the same OR opposite sex, nor be found attractive by them, as I don't even think I have a biological sex. So your assertion/insult has no actual basis, even if you weren't being stupid. And secondly, I don't even know how you found out about my comic, because I haven't even put it online yet- I want to make sure the market is right for crappily Flash-drawn sprites ripped off from video games clichéd unfunny punchlines made nonsensical out of context comics.
Q: What I want to know is if you can make nuclear weapons from everyday household objects? I mean Martha Stuart makes tons of things from household objects.. why not nuclear weapons?
A: Actually you can. But it wouldn't be in the holiday spirit to tell you how to make on to destroy all the people who have ever slighted you throughout your long, lonely life.
Q: Do spiderodents make good pets?
A: They are my only friends.
Q: Hey, this one pair of pants I own are on fire. Perpetually, I mean. That is to say, they are always on fire. What should I do?
A: Wear a shirt that is always dripping wet. Or go live with Tentacula. She's nice-ish.
Q: Who is Ms. Harper's hairdresser?
A: Me.
Q: Do you have the TARDIS there at the RDT?
A: Sometimes, it comes and goes.
Q: Seriously.
A: Yes! Why would I lie to you? Why would I lie to ANYone, especially the way I've been tr- no, no, be positive... I am serious. Thank you for your inquiry of my veracity.
Q: What if Savage Garden hadn't broken up? Hmmmmmm? WHAT THEN??
A: WHAT? Savage Garden broke up?! NO!!! First INXS, now this... oh god... I need chocolate...
Q: What's on a cat's mind?
A: The feline brain is covered by several layers of cells called the meninges. From the outside to the inside, they are the dura mater, the arachnoid layer, and the pia mater. They are kind of stuck together. They are also delici- what?
A: I can't... I broke them. I apologize for my thoughtlessness and fat tentacle legs.

I think I did pretty good! This could be a new step for me.

:: 12/11/03

Q: Ms. Harper is either growing her own baby caged universe, or using some place in deep space as a dumping point for the dangerous things . However, while such a place is undoubtedly a good place to place dangerous things, while also placing such a dangerous door to deep space in the RDT, isn't she just setting up Earth to be invaded by frog-squids and squid-frogs from Omicron Persei VIII?
A: Golem think you asking too many questions. Besides, inhabitants of Omicron Persei VIII not dangerous- only eat hippies.
Q: Which is most dangerous: Sticking a fork in a socket, in a toaster, or in one's eye?
A: In own eye. Socket just tickle a bit, maybe you wet your pants. Toaster maybe not plugged in. Eye? Pretty dangerous every time, unless you not using them or something.
Q: Those doors lead to the lands of death. Are the lands of death *in* the RDT or is that just the doors?
A: What, direct connection to afterlife not enough for you? Does not matter once you are in it. You not coming back. Golem and Ms. Harper make sure of that.
Q: A lot of interesting things came out of Death's Door. What mythos is this version of Death from? Greek, RDT, Terry Pratchett? (obviously not Terry Pratchett...) - reference man <--
A: All mythos lead to afterlife behind Death's Door. Even fictional ones. Death is equal opportunity existence.
Q: Who are you and what did you do to Golem?
A: Golem wondering if you stick fork in your eye recently?
Q: Why does it cost $100 to buy KoolAid at this stand I just saw?
A: Golem think punk kids trying to rip you off. Solution: loom. If loom no work, smash.
Q: Ok... *pant**wheeze* ...I finally subdued my golem. Can you store him for me? He's just like your Golem, only evil and slightly used.
A: How much your golem lift? Golem not need more dead weight around.
Q: You know, I bet my deathbot monkeys could beat your deathbot monkleys. So give me back me gameboy. ~Owl
A: Maybe. But all deathbot monkeys afraid of Golem. Golem wins.
Q: What can RDT stand for other than Repository of Dangerous Things???
A: Lots of things.
Q: What would you get if you crossed Phil with a spider-rodent? Or Golem with Voodoo Doll Shae? Or Mr. Tavlin with Patton?
A: Phil + spiderrodent: More pink wiggly things than before. Golem + ShaeDoll: Flat ShaeDoll. Mr. Tavlin + Patton: Old Army and Marine stories in a bar.

Golem like answering questions. So many good ones. Hard to pick.

:: 12/04/03

Q: There is this girl who I really, really like. I want to ask her to be my girlfriend, but I don't know if she likes me. I mean, we are friends and all, and sometimes I am certain that she is flirting with me and all, but I still don't know. So, my question is, how can I find out if I should ask her out? Wait... who are you, and what happened to Abby?
A: Wow, I feel all advice-columny. Cool! Okay, the thing with girls is, if they're flirting with you, sometimes they don't mean it. And sometimes they do. And sometimes they don't know if they mean it or not, and won't know until you just ask them out and they either give you the most disgusted look you've ever seen in your life, or they do the cute batty-eyelashes thing and say "okay!" and go running off giggling. So you just have to give it a shot, because girls are stupid and insane. Say, that was easy.
Q: I have a major infestation of gorilla shaped cabbages, which to my surprise seem to have taken a sort of primitive sentience. They are at this very moment beating the living daylight out of my brother, and have hidden every right sock on the house. What should I do to get rid of these gorilla cabbages? And if I ever get them contained, where can I find the RDT?
A: It's a known fact that cabbages hate boiling and/or pickling. What you need to do is invite Mama Zora over, give her a knife, a big pot of water, and a couple of quarters, and point her at the cabbages. You will have a gorilla-cabbage-free house, and either a bad smell with delicious sauerkraut, or an unsated Mama Zora. Um. You may not think that is so helpful of an answer... but please, what I'm trying to say is, take Mama Zora. Take her far away from Boston especially.
Q: What would Davis do for a Klondike bar?
A: I think after all the stuff that's happened to me, I deserve one without having to do tricks for it. What do you say?
Q: Ach! Ze Klondayk Bar is cursed!
A: ... Oh I see how you are. Screw you and your cursed Klondike bar! I brought a sandwich anyway.
Q: What do I do to get my own room!
A: You need to start acting responsibly and leave your little brother alone, god dammit. At least, that's what my parents told me.
Q: My husband mowed the hose as well as the grass, got grass clippings all over my nearly dry washing, locked the cat in the garage and constantly puts everything away in exactly the wrong place - Would you like him to fill in when Davis goes on holiday?
A: .... That letter wasn't meant for me to read, was it? I don't know you, but I don't think I like you much. You know, I don't peek into your daily life, watch you at work, dwell on all your mistakes, make fun of you in public, and then laugh myself to sleep at night. Uh, unless you're the President... but the president isn't a woman... so yeah, I don't do those things to you! Is it too much to ask for a little respect? Is it? It must be, because you are seriously lacking in the respect-for-me department, lady. You're not even President. Shows what you know. Lady. If you are a lady.
Q: Does the RDT house any Somebody Else's Problem (SEP) field generators, like from Hitchhiker's Guide? I think Davis could use one.
A: What is with everyone picking on me today?! It isn't like I haven't had a crappy day already, I mean, first I can't stop thinking about the Box, which causes all kinds of bad luUUOOOOWWWWWWW MY EYES stopthinkingaboutthebox noboxnomorebox calm blue ocean calm blue ocean.... bunnies... oil that is... Texas tea.... movie stars...
Q: Why is Texas?
A: Well, the answer isn't five. Because professors are sadistic on finals, maybe?
Q: My house is on fire. How can I further prevent this situation with a bottle of vodka?
A: If you're like me, you'll try and use alcohol as a form of escape. But it doesn't work. It only makes things worse. And whatever you do, don't pour the vodka on the fire. Unless it's really bad vodka, in which case, drink all of it, and then throw yourself in the fire to avoid the brain-crushingly awful hangover you're going to have in the morning. So the solution is... um... call the fire department.
Q: I think that's a dumb idea.
A: Maybe, but you're not the one who gets to answer letters! HA HA HA who's making fun of who NOW?!

Seriously. If I want this kind of abuse I'm going to just go back to work. Or to school. Or go hang out with my girlfriend.

:: 11/27/03

Q: What are the deathbot monkeys?
A: Activated.
Q: Make the bad man stop, make the bad man stop!
A: Execute program.
Q: Hey sexy, what's your name?
A: Target identified.
Q: I want to take more of the self-guided tour and I'm not willing to wait and find out exactly were it is I'm going. What should I do?
A: Tactical approach.
Q: Ok... I've seen this box here for ages now... tell me how to forget someone whom you love but won't love you back?
A: Engage target.
Q: Help! We're suffering from a class 1 political infestation!! Holy water doesn't work! Voting only encourages them! Any other suggestions?
Q: The holidays are coming and I'm short on gift ideas, as usual. Any suggestions?
A: Assess damage.
Q: I have tweaked my Game Boy and now I can use it to zap things with big laser beams from a satellite (like the one in that movie 'Akira'). Only my gym teacher confiscated the thing when I blew up the basketball hoop. I'm pretty sure she sent it to the RDT. So can I please have it back, because I was really building up a highscore :( -Owl
A: Target eliminated.
Q: Is there a Repository of Non-Dangerous things?
A: Terminate program.


:: 11/19/03

Q: Who cleans up after the monkey deathbots?
A: Davis.
Q: If you where a crayon, would you still have your paper wrapper?
A: My paper wrapper fell off long ago.
Q: Big brother is watching.
A: Yes, actually, he is.
Q: Is it legal to keep spiderrodents as pets in Australia? If so, can I have some?
A: Well, they do have this thing about bringing in foreign animals. I'm not even sure how we've kept them from overrunning this place, although it does sort of have its own built-in pest control.
Q: Where can I find instructions for building my own Robot Death Monkey? -Chance
A: You know, we actually used to have those on file. While Ms. Harper was doing her stint with the CIA, though, things got kind of out of order. The instructions vanished somewhere... lord knows where... we've been keeping an eye out for them on eBay and the peer-to-peer networks, but whoever has 'em is sitting on 'em. We can only hope they only mean to make money rather than build some of their own...
Q: How many items are currently at the R.D.T. and what section makes up the most items?
A: I don't think we've ever done an official count. Probably more than we COULD count. Like the dual-realitizer, do we count that as one thing, or does it count as two because it exists as matter AND antimatter? I would have to say the Hall of Ideas is the biggest room, though. It's like an underground mountain.
Q: Do you remember that Golem that I wanted to make and promised to not make evil? Well, I lied and now it turned on me and I could use some help... GHAAA! *THUNK*
A: HA ha ha ha ha ha! Oh you poor damned fool.
Q: I am angry, and anger is dangerous. Should I come put myself away at the RDT?
A: Have you tried seeking therapy? I don't really want another overemotional idiot to keep track of.
Q: I am throwing a party, and was wondering if you wanted to come. Bring beer, okay?
A: You're on.

5PM- the best type of PM. See ya. Gotta hit the store on the way over to that person's place.

:: 11/13/03

Q: I had this cookie I choked on. Is there any room for it at the RDT?
A: Ew... take your vomit cookie someplace else!
Q: Can I have a cookie?
A: You can have that person's cookie?
Q: So I guess what I'm asking is... can I have a cookie?
A: Seriously, help yourself.
Q: So what colour is the sky in your world?
A: Sort of a Butternutsquash color. And if Ramón were drawing my world, it would look sexy as hell.
Q: What I want to know is this. Quentin Tarantino is the craziest man alive. Just look at Kill Bill. Will you lock him up? And how do you control the monkey deathbots? Remote control?
A: Well, Quentin Tarantino isn't the craziest man alive, and if he were, we don't take living humans. Too much effort... we refer them to Blockbuster Video or the Republican Party so at least they can feel like they're making the world a better place while they toil away mindlessly. And... I don't think you can control monkey deathbots? I think maybe they take orders from Golem, but you really have to get on their good side before they'll do anything for you willingly. Like reducing your enemies to shreds and puffs and scraps of fabric.
Q: I think my parents might have sent some stuff from my room to the RDT, and I was just wondering if I could get them back. I'm really starting to miss my sharp shiny objects collection.
A: I've gotten rather attached to them, actually. They're quite useful!
Q: Does Grace love me?
A: Not if what her voodoo doll of you tells me is true. You poor guy. I'll give myself a hug for you!
Q: I have really bad nasal congestion. HELP.
A: I would like to but I don't have a nose!
Q: Last time I snorted Coke, ice cubes got stuck in my nose. What did I do wrong?
A: If you're the same person as in the previous question, I think I know the answer to your nasal congestion problem. But as far as what you're doing wrong, are you using an authentic hundred dollar bill? Quality matters.

Got to go, I have sharp shiny objects to polish!

:: 11/06/03

Q: So what do you think of Yanni?
A: Yanni is a global phenomenon virtually unmatched in the annals of popular music. In addition to selling gazillions of albums and single-handedly bringing new age music to a mass audience, his flair for showmanship led him to become the first Western musician to play concerts at both the Taj Mahal and China's Forbidden City. Yanni's taste for the grandiose is reflected in his music as well, which mixes the most dramatic and sweeping elements of progressive rock, world music, neo-classical, and experimental electronic music into a easily palatable stew that can be by turns soothing or awe-inspiring.
Q: Davis's girlfriend. She isn't very nice. I wonder if there's a pattern?
A: Definitely. And it comes in handy.
Q: The monkey-things are soooo cute! I want one!
A: No, I don't think that would be a good idea. Unless you have a Golem to keep them in line, they're liable to eat you out of house and home. And by "eat you" I mean "eat you."
Q: Does anyone/anything there know of where I can find the runestaff of Odin? About 6ft tall, black, carved in runes. Holds the universe together. Hasn't been seen since Ragnarok. I need it for.... umm.... no particular reason.
A: Well, Odin still has it, doesn't he? A god of wisdom isn't foolish enough to go losing anything carved from the world tree. So you'll just have to find him first. And I'm not going to help you, because that's just asking for trouble. Keep an eye out for a pair of ravens if you're really determined.
Q: Where did Phil come from, anyway?
A: I did answer this already, more or less. "Phil, for example, was created from and survives by absorbing the radiation emitted by the Pocket Dimensional Generator that helped construct most of this place."
Q: I think it would be only right to let YOU ask the questions once and a while!
A: Sucking up won't get you anywhere, no matter how much I like to have my own way. What have you broken?
Q: I could be a super model or Norman Mailer and you wouldn't know the difference. Or would you?
A: I would, because the only implants Norman Mailer has are the ones that fly like snakes out of his head and invade your brain, with sharp dialogue and wisdom beyond his (now eighty) years.
Q: I bet Golem is color blind! I mean what's with that peachie rocky toned body suit anyway?
A: I'm not sure that Golem even has eyes. I think he's made entirely of clay. His dense inner clay is still slightly damp, but the outer crust has dried. That's why it breaks up a bit at the joints.

I know you're reading this at work, get back to it.