Ask the RDT: advice - mysteries - curiosity - boredom

Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.

May-June 03 | July-Aug 03 | Sep-Oct 03
Nov-Dec 03 Jan-Feb 04 | Mar-Apr 04
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04

:: 10/31/03

Q: Did Golem use to play as an offensive tackle in the NFL?  -Chance, the victim of a Wandering Laurie
A: Golem not sure what National Forensic League would need with offensive linebacker. NFL members fight with words. NFL members not fight with smashing.
Q: What can I get for all the tea in China?
A: Tea in China only good for measuring amounts in nots.
Q: Am I hot?
A: Golem not sure. You on fire?
Q: Wherever shall I go?
A: Fire department, Golem thinks.
Q: Whatever shall I do?
A: Put fire out. Or burn up. Your choice.
Q: How did Golem Learn English, why doesn't he just get Yiddish (or Hebrew)?
A: Golem not limit himself to one language. Also, since Golem in United States, English useful to understand. Golem also know French, German, Polish, Czech, and some dead languages. It nice not to speak languages, though. That way, Golem can pretend he not understand when Davis ask something very stupid, and walk away.
Q: How can I get a job at R.D.T. I'm bored and want to try something different... And I'm not afraid to die a horrible, horrible death.
A: Golem think that is a pretty good start.
Q: People are staring to think of me as a dangerous thing, what should I do?
A: Depend on if they right or not, and what you want them to know. Golem think you could kill them. That both prove them right and silence their lies.
Q: What is the square root of 27, rounded to the nearest hundredth?
A: Five point two zero.
Q: Why are you answering mail?? Get back to organizing those Things and make our country a safer place to live!
A: Hmm, you right.

Good night.

:: 10/23/03

Q: So... why don't you have a normal job?
A: Mama Zora does have a normal job, little boy or girl! She manufactures love from the tips of her soulless mechanical fingers! All for the price of a quarter... a quarter! Ungrateful humans! Forcing Mama Zora to labor endlessly at piecework....
Q: What color is purple?
A: Purple, dear, is the color of icy cold hands that need hand-knitted woolen mittens. It is the color of dried lavender and violets woven into a decorative straw noose. It is the color of the eyes of a pretty young lady as they bug out in fear of Mama Zora. Does that answer your question, darling?
Q: Evil. No, honest. Evil. Like, scary evil. You know, Britney Spears kind of evil. Boo!
A: Your evil is no match for Mama Zora.
Q: I used to have friends. Hey, can I have a job at the RDT?
A: Mama Zora thinks that an assistant would be nice... especially when she needs help dragging the bodies. How are you with heavy loads, precious one? Mama Zora supposes that doesn't matter... at the very least her assistant could feed her the quarters that let her do the work. Mama Zora does not mind back-breaking labor for a product of love.
Q: What do you do in your free time?
A: Ah ha ha! Ah hah hah haaaah! AH HA HAH HAAAAH!
Q: What is the effect of spiderodent venom on humans?
A: Only the females are venomous, you know. The females of a species are always the most deadly and cunning. Mama Zora has seen the effects of spiderodent venom on humans, and she was most inspired! Delightful creations of hopelessly tangled yarn... Jackson Pollack-like works of splattered paint... tiny dolls made of tightly knotted ropes and stickpins that squealed when you moved them... oh, they were wonderful! Mama Zora would give much to be so inspired again.
Q: How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if woodchuck could chuck wood?
A: Mama Zora does not know. However, she has experimented with chucking wood and chucking woodchucks, as well as chucking wood at woodchucks. While Mama Zora admires and envies the ferocious gnawing of the woodchuck, she has to admit they do not chuck well. They flail and flop far too much. The solidity that makes wood such a wonderful bludgeon allows it to travel further through the air, with greater accuracy, Mama Zora might add. Wood is clearly the winner in both its ability to travel distances by air, and in its ability to be bent, broken, and carved into pleasing shapes.
Q: If a woodchuck could chuck wood, how much wood would a woodchuck chuck?
A: You two dears seem to be joined at some vital and delicious body part. Here, let Mama Zora help you....
Q: Charles Baudelaire walks into the RDT and demands that the giantess be released from the Room of Really Big Stuff, but he is stopped at the door by the Giant, Disembodied, Floating Head of Edgar Alan Poe, which keeps asking for some map. Now, the question is this: which restroom is the *real* restroom in the RDT, and which are the truly dangerous ones others brought there for storage, and what does all of this have to do with French Symbolism?
A: It has nothing to do with French symbolism, my dear, and everything to do with surrealism. You thought you could fool Mama Zora, but clearly, she wins. PREPARE TO LOSE! LOSING IS PAINFUL BUT DELICIOUS. IT PROVIDES MAMA ZORA WITH MUCH-NEEDED SOUL FOR TRANSFERRING TO HER HANDMADE CREATIONS!


:: 10/16/03

Q: Who's yo daddy?
A: I have no father. Thanks for reminding me.
Q: KFC is evil. And dangerous. Do you have the Colonel at the R.D.T.?
A: No. No he certainly isn't imprisoned in my kitchen, to make lots of tasty, spicy, secret recipe chicken for me to gorge on when I'm depressed. No.
Q: I am confused. What was the question again?
A: There was no question. Move along.
Q: My life sucks. Do you have a better one over there so I can replace this one? I will trade - barely used mine. Please?
A: What, you seriously want my life? I mean... sure, I'll trade... listen, you have to remember NOT to approach girls or children or old people or someone with a heart condition. And water my plants. And don't forget to feed the Colonel.
Q: Pants.
A: Oh, THANKS for bringing THAT up. Thanks a LOT.

Q: What... is your name? What... is your quest? What... is your favorite color?
A: Phil. To be loved. Pink.

I'm sorry. I suck. I'm just going to go now. I'm sorry. Sorry.

:: 10/09/03

Q: How does the R.D.T. deal with doppelgangers and evil twins? Do they lock up the one with the goatee? Or is there a "Danger" test all of the living things must take?
A: Haven't had a huge problem with that yet. Usually the doppelganger makes itself obvious by setting fire to large objects or trying to strangle people. You should never trust the goatee- always judge something by its actions, not its facial hair! And about the "Danger" test... that's an interesting idea... but kind of impractical to administer. Do you really want to do the paperwork on that? If you do, be my guest.
Q: Does Monkey want a cracker?
A: For God's sake, don't feed them! Besides, they only eat flesh. It would have to have some sort of meat topping. Like flesh.
Q: The building of the RDT itself seems to be a dangerous thing. How does it contain itself?
A: Well, there are the walls... though I guess that isn't always as effective as we'd like to think. The RDT does tend to... wander. See, the pocket vortex generator that REALLY runs this place kind of operates in, out, around, and through space and time. So if I were Einstein I could argue that the RDT is, by its very nature, impossible to contain. But I'm only married to his fourth cousin's daughter, so I'm not going to try.
Q: I tried at first and didn't succeed. What should I do?
A: Well, whatever you do, don't stick your hand in it twice.
Q: Who would win, Ms Harper or Mack the demonhunter?
A: Mack is already beaten, he just doesn't know it yet.

5pm. That's my cue to get out of here.

:: 10/02/03

Q: If I have three robotic death monkies and I give two to Davis, will he die before or after the end of a George Foreman commercial?
A: Well, soldier, a few months ago I'd have told you that poor bastard wouldn't last longer than a private's socks in Egypt. But I'll tell you. That sorry sack of mama's boy has done better than I ever expected. Only burned his hand once, by God, and even got to grab some of Harper's ass and lived to tell about it. He'd make it almost to the end of a George Foreman Grill infomercial.
Q: Do monkey deathbots run on battery?
A: Don't you know anything? You're pathetic! The best warriors operate on FEAR!
Q: Will the Repository accept truly heinous and dangerous items such as Ratt and N*Sync for storage? Preferably in a deep, dark, soundproofed hovel of some sort.
A: We store dangerous things, not total crap. Any song that you can't march to is crap.
Q: Also, how much does Ms. Harper get paid, or does she simply work because she loves it?
A: That woman is the finest example of American Patriotism that I've ever seen. If I allowed women in my Army, I'd want women like her. She's brave, and tough, and don't take crap from nobody, least of all Germans. Uncle Sam'd feel guilty if he didn't pay her for her fine work, but she does it out of a sense of duty, honor, and responsibility, somethin' you weasels don't know nothin' about.
Q: Who are you?
A: Who do you think I am? You got one try and there's no such thing as guessing. I'll give you a hint. I'm the handsomest and smartest and by-God the scariest General in this here U.S. Army and if you don't agree with me I'll put you out in front.

Go make yourself useful.

:: 9/25/03

Q: !gniyonna gnitteg si sihT ?sdrawkcab gniklat pots em ekam ot gnihtyna evah TDR eht seod ,yeH
A: ?niaga ti drawrof ti seod ,gniklat esrever esrever uoy fI .ere dnuora ecived gniklat-esrever a si ereht ebyam ,yawynA ?sdaeh s'elpoep gnidolpxe rO ?tsev siht dnats nac I kniht uoy od woH .gniyonna gnihtyna tsom ekil I .t'nod I tub ,ot detnaw I fi lamron ot kcab uoy cigam dluoc I ,lleW
Q: Wasn't someone supposed to add a room to the guided tour? Mew. Oh and...FIRE FIRE FIRE! I LIKE FIRE! FIRE PRETTY! AHAHAHAHA....wait is it possible to make a fire golem, and if so do you have any?
A: I think I knew an ifrit like you once... poor fellow lost himself in the Arabian wasteland and came back as half the ifrit he used to be. If you ask me he should have lost his fire-obsessed half in the desert, if only because the region is hot enough already. At any rate, someone was supposed to add a room to the tour, there is always a room to add to the tour- but how do you think they are cleaned up, organized, and safely opened to the public? Magic? HA HA HA no. And yes I can make a fire golem, and yes I have some. And no you can't have any.
Q: What do Monkeybots eat?
A: Flesh.
Q: That doesn't answer my question.
A: It doesn't? Well, maybe you're one of the hands-on type of learners. I could arrange for the monkey deathbots to have a dinner of- I mean with you?
Q: It seems to me that mostly everything in existence can be rather dangerous. Any chance of putting it in the RDT? Existence, I mean. It would probably fit...
A: What, you think it doesn't fit? Oh, that's right. Someone hasn't opened the End of the Road yet....

Well, 'ta....

:: 9/18/03

Q: Is Ms Harper really staff, or is she actually a Dangerous Thing? Because all the Dangerous Things seem to fear her....
A: Yar, wouldn't we all like t'know! Some say she be sailin' t'gray sea between pirate 'n' protector. Others 'spect she's black hearted t'her very core. T'only thin' we know for aye be don't cross her, or yer askin' for a keel-haulin'!
Q: Do these pants make me look fat?
A: Well, I tend t'like a body more without yon knickers.
Q: Does the RDT have anything that might give me a little extra help on homework and tests without killing and/or seriously injuring me?
A: Arr, be ye daft? This be t'Reposit'ry o'DANGEROUS Thin's, not t'Place o'Helpful Nice Thin's! Get ye to 't'backwater ye came from, smartly now!
Q: If you were a tree, what kind of tree, would you be?
A: I b'lieve I sh'd want t'be a palm tree. Then I can still grab thin's.
Q: This has been bugging me for a while - if chickens were blue, would mustard come in cheese wheels? Thanks in advance for your help. ^_^
A: Been into t'grog, then, have ye?

Yar, I gots ter be gettin' along, now... spreadin' t'word that Talk Like A Pirate Day be this Friday t'19th.

:: 9/02/03

Q: Why do you look so much like the Thing?
A: If you mean yellow rock man from comic book, that one easy. Golem dressed up for Halloween. Easy for Golem to go out on Halloween..... otherwise, no resemblance! Golem created by most righteous believer in God. Thing created by Stan Lee and Jack Kirby. Thing have mouth, eyes, can talk, wears pants, has longer legs... and is rock. Golem is old and clay. And non-smoker. Both Jewish though.
Q: Dear RDT,
I was wondering if you happen to have a spare copy of the Necronomicon lying around, a time travel device and a giant potato. And I am also wondering if there is a system I could use to check these objects out, like a library. Yours sincerely, Ulti!
A: Lots of people ask Golem for this book. Golem think they think it is some kind of spell book for magic. It really just a mystical history book written by crazy wandering man from Yemen high on drugs in desert. Yes, time travel devices, no potatoes, they go bad. RDT not supposed to check things out.... how about you fight Golem. You win, you check out stuff. Golem wins, you go home. Or to hospital. Maybe Davis take you to hospital.
Q: Do you have any copies of the Necronomicon? and if so, can I borrow it? A shoggoth ate mine.
A: Yes, we have copy of book, real one, from 730 A.D., but "shoggoth" is word Lovecraft made up - that word not in real book. You can check out same way as other guy.
Q: How could I make my own Golem? (I promise I won't make an evil golem.)
A: Golem found handy instruction site for you.
Q: It seems that Ms. Harper, Golem and Davis are the only people that work regularly at the RDT. Is this the case?
A: Ms. Harper work best. Golem work most. Davis work weirdest. Sometimes Mr. Tavlin come and work bossy.
Q: I like to make things burn.
A: Golem want to know if this is problem to fix or if you just saying.

Golem got to go inspect foundations now. Tentacula had hissy fit, something about kiddie pool....