:: 06/24/03

Q: Is the muffin man blueberry, banana nut, or something more sinister?

A: The muffin man doesn't exist. Stop believing in fairy tales.

 

Q: Would older brothers be considered a dangerous thing? Because mine keeps stabbing me with whatever’s handy. -April

A: Yes, I suppose they would count... except this place doesn't seem to take anything they'd have to feed or clothe. I can give you some aspirin, if you'd like. It sounds awful. I could explodey his head for you if that would work. You could threaten him with that!

 

Q: What is your favorite kind of cheese?

A: Cheesecake. Mmm.

 

Q: Does the RDT accept drop-offs and "special deliveries"? I have a few dangerous things sitting around.

A: Are they cute?

 

Q: What is the *least* dangerous thing in the RDT?

A: Oh, I don't know... Phil, I suppose? He looks pretty scary, but he's kind of a doormat. He can't really scare properly. I mean, the poor guy can't even work doorknobs. He'd feel bad if he ever hurt you. He just doesn't have the motivation to be dangerous.

 

Q: Recently, while taking a tour of the Repository, the tour guide mentioned that the Repository has a man-eating plant, much like the one in Little Shop of Horrors.

 

The troupe of actors in this area is doing a performance of "Little Shop," and I thought it would be humorous to replace their foam and cardboard plant with a real live one. You know, just to spice it up.

Would you be willing to sell or allow me to borrow said man-eating plant?

Thankfully, Squeegee

A: Muahahaha! Okay, well, first, I don't know who your tour guide was. There's only two people that work here really. One's too strict to do tours, and the other's more likely to get himself lost and abused. Mmm torment.... Actually that tour guide thing sounds like something I'd do.... Where was I? Oh yeah. I haven't seen any man-eating plants specifically, but they have quite a few hideous and destructive ones. I can transport the Ravel Tree to your stage if you want. That sounds like a wonderful trick. I could even make it look all crappy and harmless like the old one. I may come and watch. I can hardly wait! I'll bring my camera!

Got to run. The pixies are having a party downstairs (and I probably shouldn't be answering the mail, anyway. Heh!)

:: 06/18/03

Q: I woke up this morning with a really bad headache. Later I noticed that my head hurt because a small hippo with wings was sitting on it. Are you missing anything?

A: It sounds like you have a problem with your hippocampus! Tee hee. You can probably bring it by even if it isn't ours, I'm sure there's room for it. How small are we talking? And do you know what it eats? Because they don't feed the Things here. If the Things need food they have to find it on their own. If it eats marshy plants that might be a problem, but if it eats thoughts there are plenty of those floating around that no one is using.

 

Q: I have invoked Murphy's Law multiple times today - What can go wrong will. Whadda ya' say ta' that? ~Sagerz

A: I suppose that explains all the abuse I got today... I hope you can read this, I remember getting my eyes popped off.

 

Q: Dear RDT, I need your help, I've found a very dangerous thing, that threatens the lives of many at my workplace.. a device so diabolical that it has taken months for its true nature to emerge.

Ok, here goes, its a fry vat, but not just any fry vat, its evil.... ok, an evil fry vat... an hungry evil fry vat.

So far it has made four attacks, escalating levels of violence, first it ate a rubber glove, no one suspected a thing... Then it ate a cinnamon and sugar shaker... then a bottle of cleaning product.... and finally last time I worked in an attempt to save a sugar shaker someone put a hand inside it... sure he saved the sugar, but at what cost...

After its first taste of human flesh, I'm worried about what its next move will be...

RDT please help me, only one person at my workplace believes my theory on its evil nature...

- A very worried Ulti

A: That's horrible! I was put into a Fry Daddy once, and it was the most awful thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to think about what happened to the person on the other end. I was crusty and smelled like recycled fats and oily food for months! Listen, there is a story by Stephen King you should read called The Mangler. A laundry machine becomes possessed through a mysterious string of random events. I think it eats Maine eventually. Do you know if your co-worker is a virgin? I think you need to go find a priest and have that fry vat looked at. Really. If all else fails I guess we could try tethering it to the bottom of the Olympic-sized holy water pool....

Eep! Got to go! Bye!

:: 06/12/03

Q: Will I pass my exams?

A: Golem does not know. Golem suggest you borrow book on study skills from library. Book written backwards. Make you take notes. Good study skill. Only make you a little crazy.

 

Q: What are your dreams?

A: Golem does not dream. But sometimes Golem thinks before he thinks he thinking. Does not mean Golem does not HAVE dreams.

 

Q: Whom do you love?

A: Golem love Ms. Harper.

 

Q: Dear RDT,
After seeing the latest strip (06/05/03) I was wondering, has Ms. Harper ever had a career in professional wrestling? -Annu

A: Golem know a lot about Ms. Harper. Ms. Harper done many things in her life, but Golem do not think pro wrestling one of them. Golem think she learned that in CIA before she quit. Job too boring for her.

 

Q: What's the most dangerous thing in there right now?

A: Mmm... Golem have to go with Ms. Harper again. If Golem not allowed to pick Ms. Harper, Golem will say the tzitzimime of Mictlantecuhtli. They pretty dangerous. Also, lead paint very dangerous.

Golem stop now. Keys on typewriter too small for Golem to type so easy. Goodbye.

:: 06/05/03

Q: So, there's this part in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark" where this guy is using a forklift to transport the crate, with the sealed Ark inside of it, to the back of this huge warehouse full of even more sealed boxes and crates. My friend thinks they're all empty, and just props for the movie, but I have another theory... I think Lucasfilm may have cut a deal with the RDT, and we viewed a sub-basement of the RDT. I mean it's no secret that Ewoks are real! and Jar Jar Binks would definitely classify as a "dangerous thing!" So by talking to a spokesperson of the RDT, I'm hoping you can clear up the Lucasfilm/RDT connection for me-

ps. I know you're hiding the list of mysterious lesser-known natural monuments, not to mention, the names and significance of every obscure mascot ever created! And that's just the tip of the iceberg... No, No I don't work for the CIA? Why would you think that? That organization is still the leading authority of intelligence; we do not err... they do not know everything, but if you'd be willing to share your remarkable finds with us... I mean them! They would see that you were greatly rewarded...

Sincerely, DeepPocket

A: ... Amateur. My god-damned litter box is more subtle than you. Stop pansying around like that limey bastard Montgomery and give me something I want. Write me back when you have detailed intelligence on the whereabouts and layout of the current residence of one Annabelle Harper. She used to work for you - I mean those - overrated brainiac thugs and you oughtta have a file or two on her. She's shacked up with two fine tabbies I'd like to have urgent business with.

 

Q: What are the best things in life? -Dr. Pepper

A: Keep yer pants on. I think you just answered your own question, there. What the hell are you writin' me for, use the brain God gave you, you sad sunova bitch.

 

Q: What's the worst Thing ever? -Mr. Pibb

A: What I think is, you two need to borrow yourselves some tanks and have at it, like me and Rommel were gonna do in Africa, before that bastard Hitler called him back for bein' incompetent. God. I miss those days.

 

Q: Have you ever received anything that was too dangerous even for you?

A: Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?

I'm leavin'. You ain't worth my time. I got some mice down in the catacombs that need routin', and that girl Davis ain't gonna do it.

:: 05/29/03

Q: I'm having women troubles, several of them actually. Now, I'm not the type to make rash judgments but, I'm pretty sure they are evil and I think some of them have magical powers and I know they want to hurt me...slowly. Please help soon. -R. L.

A: Well, R.L., what you need to do is come by the R.D.T. We have a few things that could help you out. Normally we don't let civilians access our inventory... but ultimately it is our job to keep you safe. First we'll look in the Booke of Terryble Destynnies, which is somewhere in the Alchemycal Chambyre, and will tell you all about what terrible things might happen to you. If the women truly are evil and magic, I'm sure you'll find something in the Medical Wing that will give them something to think about. Leprosy, perhaps.

 

Q: What's the best way to deal with a monstrous job, bossy women, and the world around you going insane? Wouldn't it be easier to invade Russia?

A: As Hitler could tell you, if his brain-jar hadn't been dropped on the floor, invading Russia is no small task. I can deal with this job, which sounds a lot like what you're asking, but the only thing that really gets me through my day is extra-strength Nums.

Why am I answering the mail? I'll just leave it on the desk here....

:: 05/25/03

Q: What the hell?

A: I know how you feel.

 

Q: WHY???

A: I'm not sure, but I think it's because God hates me.

 

Q: I must know! I cannot contain my curiosity any longer? Is Golem solid, or hollow on the inside like a chocolate Easter bunny? -Scuzz

A: Dude, I actually know this one! I thought the same thing, too. I figured if he was solid clay, he'd be too heavy and break more stuff when he walked, and he'd chip off or something. Anyway it isn't like I could have asked him. So I poked around in the Modern Electronics wing and found this gizmo... I think it was like a portable CAT-scan or something, it looked like something out of Ghostbusters. Anyway I pointed it at him and it gave me this picture on the screen. I guess his outside clay is hard but not very thick. Like that thing from geology class with the Earth. Inside he's mooshier, so he can move around maybe. So I guess he's pretty solid. I wanted to look more, but the machine gave me a "Danger, Extreme Radiation" warning, and let me tell you, you don't want to ignore those.

Mr. T is giving me a dirty look. I don't think he likes me doing anything official. That's fine with me, he can do more work all he wants. Next time he gets the mail.

:: 05/22/03

Q: Cats or dogs, which are the better animals?

A: I have owned dogs, and they are disgustingly loyal and dependent. My cats, on the other hand, don't smell, can deal with it when I'm staying late at work to fix all of Davis's mistakes, and tend to stick their heads into fewer rabid field animal burrows. However, in the interest of scientific objectivity, I asked Davis which animal he thought was better, and he said dogs. The speed and thoroughness with which Patton corrected Davis's misguided opinion clearly shows that cats are the superior animals. Next.

 

Q: Dear denizens of the Repository,
I have noticed that the RDT contains many genetic aberrations, and being interested in speeding evolution in my own home, I'd be grateful for any suggestions on developing biological anomalies in a household environment.
Yours truly, Dr. Ray

A: Well, Dr. Ray, I wouldn't be doing my job if I told you how to create the type of things that we're supposed to keep under lock and key in the Repository. Are you sure that you in fact have a doctorate, and you aren't just abbreviating your first name ("Drew" perhaps) to look smarter? At any rate, I will tell you that it's a balancing act. The freaks of nature that we keep here at the R.D.T. either serve some purpose, like the Crawling Susan, or they can sustain themselves with no help from the staff. Phil, for example, was created from and survives by absorbing the radiation emitted by the Pocket Dimensional Generator that helped construct most of this place. If you are going to endanger humanity by playing God with helpless creatures, you should make sure they're either useful or unstoppable.

 

Q: What's in store for me?

A: A lot of things, I'm sure. Including death eventually, unless you take a drink every year from the Fountain of Youth in the Courtyard. Maybe you should consult the Tarot Deck of Clear and Brutal Truth. If you can find it. Good luck with that one.
 

Next time I will let Davis answer the mail, I think. He needs to do something he can't spill on the floor.