Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.
May-June 03 | July-Aug 03 |
Nov-Dec 03 |
Jan-Feb 04 | Mar-Apr 04
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04
- Q: Is the muffin man blueberry, banana nut, or something more sinister?
- A: The muffin man doesn't exist. Stop believing in fairy tales.
- Q: Would older brothers be considered a dangerous thing? Because mine
keeps stabbing me with whatever’s handy. -April
- A: Yes, I suppose they would count... except this place doesn't seem to
take anything they'd have to feed or clothe. I can give you some aspirin, if
you'd like. It sounds awful. I could
explodey his head for
you if that would work. You could threaten him with that!
- Q: What is your favorite kind of cheese?
- A: Cheesecake. Mmm.
- Q: Does the RDT accept drop-offs and "special deliveries"? I have a few
dangerous things sitting around.
- A: Are they cute?
- Q: What is the *least* dangerous thing in the RDT?
- A: Oh, I don't know...
Phil, I suppose? He looks pretty scary, but he's kind of a doormat. He
can't really scare properly. I mean, the poor guy can't even work doorknobs.
He'd feel bad if he ever hurt you. He just doesn't have the motivation to be
- Q: Recently, while taking a tour of the Repository, the tour guide
mentioned that the Repository has a man-eating plant, much like the one in
Little Shop of Horrors.
- The troupe of actors in this area is doing a performance of "Little
Shop," and I thought it would be humorous to replace their foam and
cardboard plant with a real live one. You know, just to spice it up.
Would you be willing to sell or allow me to borrow said man-eating plant?
- A: Muahahaha! Okay, well, first, I don't know who your tour guide was.
There's only two people that work here really. One's too strict to do tours,
and the other's more likely to get himself lost and abused. Mmm torment....
Actually that tour guide thing sounds like something I'd do.... Where was I?
Oh yeah. I haven't seen any man-eating plants specifically, but they have
quite a few hideous and destructive ones. I can transport the
Ravel Tree to your stage if you want.
That sounds like a wonderful trick. I could even make it look all crappy and
harmless like the old one. I may come and watch. I can hardly wait! I'll
bring my camera!
Got to run. The pixies are having a party downstairs (and I probably
shouldn't be answering the mail, anyway. Heh!)
- Q: I woke up this morning with a really bad headache. Later I noticed
that my head hurt because a small hippo with wings was sitting on it. Are
you missing anything?
- A: It sounds like you have a problem with your hippocampus! Tee hee. You
can probably bring it by even if it isn't ours, I'm sure there's room for
it. How small are we talking? And do you know what it eats? Because they
don't feed the Things here. If the Things need food they have to find it on
their own. If it eats marshy plants that might be a problem, but if it eats
thoughts there are plenty of those floating around that no one is using.
- Q: I have invoked Murphy's Law multiple times today - What can go wrong
will. Whadda ya' say ta' that? ~Sagerz
- A: I suppose that explains all the abuse I got today... I hope you can
read this, I remember getting my eyes popped off.
- Q: Dear RDT, I need your help, I've found a very dangerous thing, that
threatens the lives of many at my workplace.. a device so diabolical that it
has taken months for its true nature to emerge.
Ok, here goes, its a fry vat, but not just any fry vat, its evil.... ok, an
evil fry vat... an hungry evil fry vat.
So far it has made four attacks, escalating levels of violence, first it ate
a rubber glove, no one suspected a thing... Then it ate a cinnamon and sugar
shaker... then a bottle of cleaning product.... and finally last time I
worked in an attempt to save a sugar shaker someone put a hand inside it...
sure he saved the sugar, but at what cost...
After its first taste of human flesh, I'm worried about what its next move
RDT please help me, only one person at my workplace believes my theory on
its evil nature...
- A very worried Ulti
- A: That's horrible! I was put into a Fry Daddy once, and it was the most
awful thing that's ever happened to me. I don't want to think about what
happened to the person on the other end. I was crusty and smelled like
recycled fats and oily food for months! Listen, there is a story by Stephen
King you should read called The Mangler. A laundry machine becomes
possessed through a mysterious string of random events. I think it eats
Maine eventually. Do you know if your co-worker is a virgin? I think you
need to go find a priest and have that fry vat looked at. Really. If all
else fails I guess we could try tethering it to the bottom of the
Olympic-sized holy water pool....
Eep! Got to go! Bye!
- Q: Will I pass my exams?
- A: Golem does not know. Golem suggest you borrow book on study skills
from library. Book written backwards. Make you take notes. Good study skill.
Only make you a little crazy.
- Q: What are your dreams?
- A: Golem does not
dream. But sometimes Golem thinks before he thinks he thinking. Does not
mean Golem does not HAVE
- Q: Whom do you love?
- A: Golem love Ms.
- Q: Dear RDT,
After seeing the latest strip (06/05/03)
I was wondering, has Ms. Harper ever had a career in professional wrestling?
- A: Golem know a lot about Ms. Harper. Ms. Harper done many things in her
life, but Golem do not think pro wrestling one of them. Golem think she
learned that in CIA before she quit. Job too boring for her.
- Q: What's the most dangerous thing in there right now?
- A: Mmm... Golem have to go with Ms. Harper again. If Golem not allowed
to pick Ms. Harper, Golem will say the
Mictlantecuhtli. They pretty dangerous. Also, lead paint very dangerous.
Golem stop now. Keys on typewriter too small for Golem to type so easy.
- Q: So, there's this part in "Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost
Ark" where this guy is using a forklift to transport the crate, with the
sealed Ark inside of it, to the back of this huge warehouse full of even
more sealed boxes and crates. My friend thinks they're all empty, and just
props for the movie, but I have another theory... I think Lucasfilm may have
cut a deal with the RDT, and we viewed a sub-basement of the RDT. I mean
it's no secret that Ewoks are real! and Jar Jar Binks would definitely
classify as a "dangerous thing!" So by talking to a spokesperson of the RDT,
I'm hoping you can clear up the Lucasfilm/RDT connection for me-
ps. I know you're hiding the list of mysterious lesser-known natural
monuments, not to mention, the names and significance of every obscure
mascot ever created! And that's just the tip of the iceberg... No, No I
don't work for the CIA? Why would you think that? That organization is still
the leading authority of intelligence; we do not err... they do not know
everything, but if you'd be willing to share your remarkable finds with
us... I mean them! They would see that you were greatly rewarded...
- A: ... Amateur. My god-damned litter box is more subtle than you. Stop
pansying around like that limey bastard Montgomery and give me something I
want. Write me back when you have detailed intelligence on the whereabouts
and layout of the current residence of one Annabelle Harper. She used to
work for you - I mean those - overrated brainiac thugs and you oughtta have
a file or two on her. She's shacked up with
two fine tabbies I'd
like to have urgent business with.
- Q: What are the best things in life? -Dr. Pepper
- A: Keep yer pants on. I think you just answered your own question,
there. What the hell are you writin' me for, use the brain God gave you, you
sad sunova bitch.
- Q: What's the worst Thing ever? -Mr. Pibb
- A: What I think is, you two need to borrow yourselves some tanks and
have at it, like me and Rommel were gonna do in Africa, before that bastard
Hitler called him back for bein' incompetent. God. I miss those days.
- Q: Have you ever received anything that was too dangerous even for you?
- A: Why don't you come over here and say that to my face?
I'm leavin'. You ain't worth my time. I got some mice down in the catacombs
that need routin', and that girl Davis ain't gonna do it.
- Q: I'm having women troubles, several of them actually. Now, I'm not the
type to make rash judgments but, I'm pretty sure they are evil and I think
some of them have magical powers and I know they want to hurt me...slowly.
Please help soon. -R. L.
- A: Well, R.L., what you need to do is come by the R.D.T. We have a few
things that could help you out. Normally we don't let civilians access our
inventory... but ultimately it is our job to keep you safe. First we'll look
in the Booke of Terryble Destynnies, which is somewhere in the
Chambyre, and will tell you all about what terrible things might happen
to you. If the women truly are evil and magic, I'm sure you'll find
something in the Medical
Wing that will give them something to think about. Leprosy, perhaps.
- Q: What's the best way to deal with a monstrous job, bossy women, and
the world around you going insane? Wouldn't it be easier to invade Russia?
- A: As Hitler could tell you, if his
brain-jar hadn't been dropped on the floor, invading Russia is no small
task. I can deal with this job, which sounds a lot like what you're asking,
but the only thing that really gets me through my day is extra-strength
Why am I answering the mail? I'll just leave it on the desk here....
- Q: What the hell?
- A: I know how you feel.
- Q: WHY???
- A: I'm not sure, but I think it's because God hates me.
- Q: I must know! I cannot contain my curiosity any longer? Is Golem
solid, or hollow on the inside like a chocolate Easter bunny? -Scuzz
- A: Dude, I actually know this one! I thought the same thing, too. I
figured if he was solid clay, he'd be too heavy and break more stuff when he
walked, and he'd chip off or something. Anyway it isn't like I could have
asked him. So I poked around in the
Modern Electronics wing and found this gizmo... I think it was like a
portable CAT-scan or something, it looked like something out of
Ghostbusters. Anyway I pointed it at him and it gave me this picture on the
screen. I guess his outside clay is hard but not very thick. Like that thing
from geology class with the Earth. Inside he's mooshier, so he can move
around maybe. So I guess he's pretty solid. I wanted to look more, but the
machine gave me a "Danger, Extreme Radiation" warning, and let me tell you,
you don't want to ignore those.
Mr. T is giving me a dirty look. I don't think he likes me doing anything
official. That's fine with me, he can do more work all he wants. Next time he
gets the mail.
- Q: Cats or dogs, which are the better animals?
- A: I have owned dogs, and they are disgustingly loyal and dependent.
My cats, on the other
hand, don't smell, can deal with it when I'm staying late at work to fix all
of Davis's mistakes, and tend to stick their heads into fewer rabid field
animal burrows. However, in the interest of scientific objectivity, I asked
Davis which animal he thought was better, and he said dogs. The speed and
thoroughness with which
Patton corrected Davis's misguided opinion clearly shows that cats are
the superior animals. Next.
- Q: Dear denizens of the Repository,
I have noticed that the RDT contains many genetic aberrations, and being
interested in speeding evolution in my own home, I'd be grateful for any
suggestions on developing biological anomalies in a household environment.
Yours truly, Dr. Ray
- A: Well, Dr. Ray, I wouldn't be doing my job if I told you how to create
the type of things that we're supposed to keep under lock and key in the
Repository. Are you sure that you in fact have a doctorate, and you aren't
just abbreviating your first name ("Drew" perhaps) to look smarter? At any
rate, I will tell you that it's a balancing act. The freaks of nature that
we keep here at the R.D.T. either serve some purpose, like the
Crawling Susan, or
they can sustain themselves with no help from the staff.
Phil, for example, was
created from and survives by absorbing the radiation emitted by the
Pocket Dimensional Generator that
helped construct most of this place. If you are going to endanger humanity
by playing God with helpless creatures, you should make sure they're either
useful or unstoppable.
- Q: What's in store for me?
- A: A lot of things, I'm sure. Including death eventually, unless you
take a drink every year from the Fountain of Youth in the
Courtyard. Maybe you should consult
the Tarot Deck of Clear and Brutal
Truth. If you can find it. Good luck with that one.
Next time I will let Davis answer the mail, I think. He needs to do
something he can't spill on the floor.