Ask the RDT: advice - mysteries - curiosity - boredom

Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.


May-June 03 | July-Aug 03 | Sep-Oct 03
Nov-Dec 03 Jan-Feb 04 | Mar-Apr 04
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04

:: 4/29/04

Q: Brrrraaaiiinnnssss...
A: KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: What is your bidding, my master?
A: KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: When will there be a new comic?
A: KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: I found the dangerous underwear!
A: Ooooo. Oo oo oo!
 
Q: What would happen if the R.D.T. were to implode?
A: KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: How is the RDT making preparations for the arrival of William Shatner's new album?
A: KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: Patton vs. a Monkey Deathbot. Who's your money on?
A: MONKEY DEATHBOT ALWAYS WIN! KILLLLLLLLLL!
 
Q: Who would in a fight: a group of five drunk monkey deathbots or a rabid Marlon Brando, who'd been further hopped up on a mixture of Methamphetamines and Pez? - Chance
A: MONKEY DEATHBOT ALWAYS WIN! KILLLLLLLLLL! ALTHOUGH SOME MONKEY DEATHBOTS SMASHED!
 
Q: Is that your final answer?
A: Yes.
 

........ kill


:: 4/22/04

Q: Is Ms. Harper modeled after Amanda Hardy?
A: Well, I don't know her mother's name. It's possible it could have been Amanda Hardy. But I'm not sure "modeled" would be the right word in that case. I mean, we're talking chromosomes, not deliberate creation.
 
Q: Which has more nutritive value: a package of Twinkies, or handful of Gobots?
A: Twinkies. Now, if you had said Transformers, my answer would have been different.
 
Q: Has any Dangerous Thing ever managed to escape from the RDT (Rather than just escaping from whatever room it's stored in, which appears to happen rather often)?
A: If they do I don't want to know.
 
Q: Who is the guy with the swirlies who answered the last few questions?
A: Are you saying there are non-staff answering the mail? That's a serious breach of... no, actually, I don't care after all. They probably would do a better job anyway. It might have been the Spare Artist- he seems to cause enough trouble when he escapes his box.
 
Q: What would happen if the R.D.T. were to implode?
A: I would pick up hazard pay, and then be free to go on a Caribbean cruise.
 
Q: How does Davis waver between competency and incompetency? It always seems he's just lucky, and survives not as a result of his own actions, but either dumb luck, or the intervention of somebody else...which might amount to the same thing.
A: Davis is pretty lucky, yeah. But sometimes he actually does things deliberately that increase the level of workplace safety. He isn't totally clueless. This doesn't quite make up for all the deliberately stupid things he does though, which is why Ms. Harper fired him. That and he gave her a mustache. She let him keep the money so he doesn't come back.
 
Q: Is having the RDT as a place of employment a good addition to your resume? Or would Ms Harper ruin everything by telling a potential employer nasty things about me?
A: It's illegal for a former employer to disclose much of anything beyond the fact you worked there. Although she probably might anyway. If you're interested we're looking for a new intern, just send us your resume and a completed internship application.
 
Q: Why was blue so popular?
A: Because blue is the best color.
 
Q: Why are boxes the best thing ever?
A: Because they're so versatile. If they happen to be blue boxes, because they're blue.
 
Q: Is there a place in the RDT for germs?
A: Yes. They're in the Medical Wing near the diseases.
 
Q: And if there is a place in the RDT for germs, is there a place in that place for cooties? Cooties are dangerous, ask anybody.
A: Yes. These are kept in Folklore's Home, though.
 
Q: Is Davis the first student to survive his internship at the RDT? Were any of the others fired, in the non-burny kind of way?
A: I could tell you, but then Ms. Harper would have to kill you. And probably me for good measure. Actually, all I know is that she comes to me (usually looking smug) and tells me that I have an intern position I need to fill. I don't ask. It's better for my mental health that way.
 
Q: Women : more or less dangerous than knives?
A: Mmmm.... more.
 
Q: Could I be any sexier?
A: You could be Carrie-Ann Moss. Oh wait, you said sexier, not more skeletal...
 

Time for me to go home and hug my huggable (not pointy and cold) wife!


:: 4/15/04

Q: Pie. or Pi. Choose. Then Explain.
Thank you.
A: I like brownies best. GO CHOCOLATE!
You're welcome!
 
Q: Why isn't Amanda Hardy in the RDT? Clearly she deserves a coveted spot in the collection.
A: Who is that? Do I know her?
 
Q: Which are more dangerous? The Imperial Daleks or the Rebel Daleks?
A: These are not the Daleks you're looking for.
 
Q: What is the meaning of life?
A: To do something.
 
Q: My favorite chicken lied to me! Will you be my new favorite chicken?
A: No, I'm not a chicken! I could ask Phil....
 
Q: Should I do it?
A: Do you have protection?
 
Q: What's your biggest fear?
A: Pain. Good thing I'm a voodoo doll and not a voodoo dolled!
 
Q: Should I stay or should I go now?
A: Well, if you go there will be trouble... but if you stay it will be double.
 
Q: Am i the king of dental hygene?
A: If you are Mendoza, then yes!
 
Q: Dear Miss Voodoo Doll,

I'm terribly sorry to bother you, but I noticed that you have precious few companions of your own size.

I have recently made several little dollies for my cousins (I am quite skilled with the needle) but they were not appreciated (apparently, my cousins would prefer me to buy them those awful plastic toys in the supermarket, I suppose that sentimental value amounts to very little nowadays) and were returned to me. I thought that perhaps I might send them to someone who might better appreciate them. Please find enclosed in the package two furry white kittens (Hand stitched, black button eyes), a teddy bear (black button eyes, knitted) and a little girl (black wool hair, skin-coloured body, sailor-suit clothes). I hope that they will make good companionship.

Sincerely,
Selphie Trabia

PS. I do not know anything about voodoo, but I have included some strands of my own hair in the little-girl doll's stuffing. Also, one of the cats has a strand real catfur inside and the other one has a strand hamster fur in its stuffing. I hope that these will work.
A: Awwwwww! It's like all my birthdays in one, if I had birthdays! What are their names? I have just the right shelf for them.... thank you!
 
Q: I ate my computer. Is that bad?
A: The guy in the box says you lose at computers. And then he laughed really weirdly.
 
Q: May I purchase some fire-bees? They strike me as the ultimate weapon of vengeance. Just send them in a box with deteriorating fireproofing and...WHAM! Fire AND Bees, TOGETHER! After all, you need the money for those electric bills, right? Please? Fire bees?
A: Oeeeuummm.... I dunno... I mean they are dangerous and... well... I dunno. I have to think about it. I'm not supposed to mess with that stuff.
 
Q: I just got the results of my finals back. Does my GPA really matter? If I don't do better next semester, can I replace Davis? I promise not to think about The Box...
A: Sometimes it does, like if you want to go to grad school or be a doctor or a veterinarian or a lawyer or something. And.... well you'll have to fill out an application! But it really is an internship so you'd have to do good enough in school not to get kicked out.
 
Q: I have a terrible sore throat. My left tonsole has swollen to the size of a small walnut. It's difficult to speak, or swallow, or even breath properly. Please tell me this isn't *your* doing.
A: I don't even know if I have tonsils! I can't even open my mouth. That doesn't stop me from smiling all the time!
 
Q: Can I have a Shaedoll? Pleeeeeeeze? I promise to take real good care of it!
A: I'm not an IT!
 
Q: Shaedoll, Have you ever been or seen a voodoo doll of celebrity?

P.S. Anybody there want my spleen? It's also slightly used.
A: I was Jayne Mansfield once! That's really it. I'm not even sure who I am right now. And you don't see many celebrity voodoo dolls... usually they're kept in some scary loser's closet in his celebrity shrine with candles around it and a big picture and they possibly are taken out at night for disgusting things. Poor little fellas. And nah, keep your spleen... I don't need more useless junk lying around.

And on that note, I'm gonna go!


:: 4/08/04

Q: THIS IS THE VOICE OF THE SUPREME DALEK. YOU WILL RETURN OUR TIME CORRIDOR DEVICE IMMEDIATELY, OR WE SHALL DESTROY YOUR PRIMITIVE PLANET USING THE DALEK TIME DESTRUCTOR. RESISTANCE WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. WE CAN NAVIGATE STAIRS.
A: I really don't think you are a Dalek. Chances are, you are just some guy trying to be Internet funny. Did it work? The answer is no.
 
Q: Dear Wandering Laurie. I love you. Marry me in Canada?
A: You would have to fight me to the death first.
 
Q: How many people have tried to hit on Genevieve and Wanderin' Laurie? Just curious, is all...
A: The list begins and ends with me. Anyone else would not be on the list for long (this means I will kill them).
 
Q: I'm rubber, you're glue, everything you say bounces of me, and sticks to you.
A: What if I set you on fire? What will your rubber defense mechanism do then? Oh I know; roll on the floor screaming in pain.
 
Q: Microsoft has announced that it is ending the product life of Windows 98. Is it bound to end up at the RDT?
A: Why would it? It was a fine operating system. Your face: shut it.
 
Q: What is protoculture?
A: http://www.protoculture.ws/
 
Q: What would happen if the dangerous things tried to revolt? Is there a security system for keeping things in as well as out?
A: It begins with H and ends in arper. Oh, and Golem. Do you even read this comic? OH I WENT THERE!
 
Q: In "The dangers of binge drinking as a form of escapism" (#025) Davis is shown laying with his pants unbuttoned near a topless blonde woman. In "Davis's problem is, the boy just don't learn" (#095), Davis's girlfriend, Mary, is shown. While we can see out of the corner of the flashlight in the third panel that Mary does in fact have blonde hair, it is styled differently than that of the woman in #025, and other than the blonde hair they bear little resemblence. So, my question is, what's going on here? Did Davis (attempt to) cheat on Mary? Were they not dating at the time of #025? Is the woman in #025, in fact, Mary? Or is she topless for some reason completely unrelated to Davis?
A: I wondered this myself. It turns out that Davis went on a drinking spree and had an impromptu party at his home. He invited people over and they proceeded to get drunk. One of said party guests can be seen sleeping on the floor next to Davis in the strip you mentioned. This is not Mary.
 
Q: Do you have any dangerous cheese? 'Cause there's some after me. They think I don't know, but I do! They're out to get m-AAARGH!
A: Now would you really type AAARGH if you were being attacked in any way? Wouldn't it have been funnier if you just left the sentance unfinished, mid-word? I think so. Don't you think so? You might want to try again. Only not here.
Q: Ninjas vs. velociraptors, who wins? (equal number of ninjas and velociraptors, battlefield selected at random)
A: If this fight really happened, we would all be winners.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a hot date with Laurie and Geneviť and they agreed to model sexy lingerie for me and I will get them to dance and they will dance together and wear the lingerie while dancing together. All the while I will be taking photos and drawing them in compromising situations.


:: 4/01/04

Q: Is your King Arthur, king of the Britons, one and the same as the King Arthur, king of the Britons in "Holy Grail", or is that just a coincidence?
A: First of all, he isn't ours. We kicked him out, remember? Anyway, there is only one true King Arthur. King of Britons. The Once and Future King. And if you don't know, I'm not telling.
 
Q: Why is belly button fluff ALWAYS a shade of grey/blue... and why is the fluff monster an invader only of the male species orifice and not the female?
A: Because jeans are grey/blue, and because men are filthy.
 
Q: How is the RDT funded? By the sale of Dangerous Things? And what sort of magic/device makes the inside of the RDT bigger than the outside seems?
A: The RDT is a federally-funded program. That means it's paid for by taxpayers like you and not me. The approved sale of some of its commodities further fund some operations. And the RDT is powered by a pocket dimensional generator. Think of it as the creative alterations made to Oprah's clothes to make her look skinnier than she really is (at the times she isn't actually skinny)... only in the fabric of space-time, not chiffon.
 
Q: How many threads are in my pants?
A: The most potentially comical answer would be, one long one, which catches on things very easily.
 
Q: Does Ms. Harper's private universe have an Earth-replica with real life forms that she plays God with?
A: Are you volunteering?
 
Q: Is Pennywise inside the RDT??
A: No, he lives somewhere in the bathroom plumbing of an Englishman named Tom. Sometimes he comes back to visit the pipe dweller, but it's been tough lately with all the new airport restrictions. Also, he eats children.
 
Q: Why don't they just pit the deadlier species of Dangerous Things against each other in brutal gladiatorial contests to the death, thereby amusing the staff AND keeping down the populations?
A: Because it's all fun and games until someone loses an eye. Besides, if we didn't have homicidal abominations of physics and nature running around, what would motivate Davis to do a good job?
 
Q: Why is my face on fire? Is it the discount aftershave I bought from the toxic waste dump or is it because of the taco named Sebulba?
A: It's because you tried to light your non-existent cigarette.
 
Q: Do you like cake?
A: No.
Q: Why won't Davis call me back?
A: He dropped his phone in the toilet, and he's too afraid of Pennywise to get it back.
 
Q: Okay, so competency is dangerous. If this is true, then this makes Ms Harper possibly the most dangerous thing there. But is the inverse also true... Does that make Davis totally safe?
A: Thank you. However, Davis is never safe, because he wavers somewhere between competency and incompetency. The random factor creates a high probability of danger. Only someone entirely competent or entirely incompetent is completely safe. Have I mentioned I've been working here 283 years?
 
Q: My cat, you know, the one who ate my roommate's organic game console? Well that cat has been beating me at first person shooters for 3 hours now. And chess. And twister. She didn't used to do that. It's unnerving! Also, how do I prevent my roommate from killing me when he gets back and discovers his science project got eaten?
A: Just hold the cat out in front of you when your roommate advances on you. Clearly the cat makes a better science project than some potato wired up to an old Watch N Play.

I think most of you just need a Magic 8 Ball.


:: 3/18/04

Q: *Found attached to 1 package containing a small poisonous herb garden*

Dear Mr Phil,

I thought that you might be a bit lonely in the RDT, being a one-of-a-kind person and all, so I thought you might appreciate this gift. Please take care of yourself.

Sincerely,
Selphie Trabia
A: Dear Selphie,

I know you aren't real. Also, I'm allergic to Ignatius beans, they give me terrible gas. But I love you. When can I come over? I travel light. Do you have any cats?

With undying adoration,
Phil
 
Q: Who knew a boneless cat could make such a good loofah?!
A: Me! Although the loofah part was an accident.
 
Q: What is your name?
A: Philbert Philodendron Phillips, III. Yes, my middle name is a flower. Go ahead. Make fun of me. Everyone does.
 
Q: Do you have any good recipes for cooking or baking small elephants?
A: Yes! Phil to the rescue for once!
 
Q: Today has been filled with struggle and toil. Wandering Laurie, I need a hug!
A: Oh sure, ask the buxom piratess for a hug. Don't ask Phil. Just because he's got mantis pincers for arms.
 
Q: Hepentar McBurgerpatty.
A: Stop stealing my ideas.
 
Q: What are you doing reading such Wicked things? You will melt from your errors, you big Greenie!
A: I just wanted to read some mail! Even if it wasn't mine... I'd like to see them try and prosecute me for a federal crime.

Now I'm hungry....


:: 3/11/04

Q: Did the Treaty of Versailles 'set the stage' for WWII, or just for Hitler's ascent to power? Or are the two synonymous? [Lord Kelvin said to say hi.]
A: Lord Kelvin! It's been too long. What do you say we arrange a cheese-and-wine party? I'll bring the cheese. To answer your question, The Treaty of Versailles set the stage for Hitler's ascent to power, Hitler being integral to World War II. They are not synonymous however- The condition of Germany after the punitive Treaty of Versailles could have resulted in any number of outcomes. The fact that Hitler (while troubled and unbalanced, he was clearly politically adept, which proves anyone can succeed in politics) used the situation to take power and incite a World War was not a given. You should know that.
 
Q: I am looking for a brain, a heart and some courage. And that damn dog that ran off again. Can you help? Oh, and I want to go home.
A: Aw. I love that movie! Have you read Wicked? It's intriguing.
 
Q: Have you ever climbed onto the roof of a building and danced while singing "Winnie the Pooh" at the top of your lungs?
A: Yes.
 
Q: I asked the Usenet Oracle, the Internet Oracle, and every webcomic that lets you write to their characters (including the one from that rip-off Space Ghost show), and none have ever answered my question. Why not?
A: I don't know, ask them.
 
Q: Why do we keep sending stuff to Mars when it keeps screwing up? I mean, is there really going to be anyone stupid enough to get into a ship and go there? Seriously, we can't get a R/C toy to run there, what the hell makes us think we can land a human?
A: Perhaps you haven't heard of Opportunity or Spirit Rover? Also, as Golem will discuss, if NASA can harness enough antimatter, it may be a lot faster to go to Mars than most people suspect. Also, the face on Mars isn't real.
 
Q: Do Dangerous Things reproduce often? And if so, how do you keep track of them?
A: I name every one of my 329 children.
 
Q: Do you have any Perfectly Ordinary Beasts at the RDT?
A: No, but I have had Perfectly Normal Beast sandwich and it was pretty good. Especially made with bread that is dense enough to slice thinly and neatly, while still  being light, moist, and having that fine nutty flavour which best enhances the the savour of roast Perfectly Normal Beast flesh.

Now I'm hungry....


:: 3/11/04

Q: My frogs are dog tired. Any suggestions?
A: Stop making them sing.
 
Q: I know it is a stupid question , but what are the exact parameters that one should use when trying to solve the age old question of ,"how much wood would a woodchuck chuck , if a wood chuck could chuck wood?"
A: Question is not ages old. Woodchucks indigenous to North America, question only make sense in English, could only date to arrival of English settlers. Only seem old because annoying people ask all the time. Answer is, parameters relavite. Woodchucks would chuck as much wood as a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. If woodchuck smart, he make someone else do it. And not Golem. Next.
 
Q: Exactly How many Death-bots and other robots are held at the RDT? Including the Monkey Deathbots. And how would one go about activating them and forging them into a robot army of death and destruction. Just asking.
A: Golem not answer you. You up to something.
 
Q: Why not destroy the dangerous things?
A: Many things explode, like anti-matter. Also, handy to keep around, in case United States decide to declare war. No use picking on someone own size. More satisfying to completely destroy third world countries like Golem trying to pet ant.
 
Q: If Anti-matter containment costs the RDT so much, why don't you simply introduce said anti-matter to matter of the same atomic weight, not only will this quite literally eliminate both the matter and the anti-matter from the universe forever, the resulting energy released would meet the electricity generating requirements of Japan and the US for a very long time.
A: You not read part where it said anti-matter explode violently (energy radiation type explosion, not big movie fire explosion) on contact with matter of any sort. Do not pass Go. You put too much together, you get Big Bang. No way to harness that type energy yet. NASA say antimatter energy very dense. Matter-antimatter annihilation (complete conversion of matter into energy) releases most energy per unit mass of any known reaction in physics. (It very efficient.) NASA want to use anti-matter to go to Mars, and trip there take only 6 weeks. Ms. Harper yell at them and tell them to do their own homework, stop thinking like high school. Lastly, antimatter containment not cost so much when antimatter worth $62,000,000,000,000 per gram. Golem find this NASA page for you. Or this one for kids from CERN. Did you know that photon is own antiparticle?
 
Q: Bet you don't know the three laws of robotics.
A: 1) A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm. 2) A robot must obey orders given it by human beings except where such orders would conflict with the First Law. 3) A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Law. All nice and clever, but not foolproof. Go read Issac Asimov book.
 
Q: What flavour are you, orange or grape? Because I don't like grape. Not that I have anything against grape, but orange is better.
A: Clay-flavored. Golem made of clay. Golem not taste like rhubarb.
 
Q: Why is knowledge the most dangerous thing of all? I'd think that inaccurate knowledge would be the most dangerous, like thinking lead pipes are safe. But accurate knowledge would make everybody and everything a lot safer, like knowing lead pipes aren't safe.
A: Inaccurate knowledge reduce gene pool. Less stupidity in world means world safer. Think big picture.
 
Q: Yes. Well, no. Maybe. I don't know. LEAVE ME ALONE!!
A: You the one bothering Golem. Stop bothering Golem, no problem.

Golem wants day off.