Ask the RDT: advice - mysteries - curiosity - boredom

Because knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all.

May-June 03 | July-Aug 03 | Sep-Oct 03
Nov-Dec 03 Jan-Feb 04 | Mar-Apr 04
May-June 04 | July-Aug 04

:: 08/26/03

Q: Does Ms. Harper run about the R.D.T naked often? If so why? I know she's too smart to be hanging out with Jarman. -Annu
A: Urgh, another day at RDT... I wonder if I can call in sick, I have to finish writing that research paper for Dr. Kraven. Seven pages on the application of constructivist business theory in web-based marketing... god... boring.... maybe I can find a research-paper-writing machine at work. It's a shame Ms. Harper took that camera away, I could have done a presentation with some of the film from that, can't beat a naked chick in marketing. I could say something about constructivisting an uninhibited workplace, maybe? Bah, that'd never work. Ms. Harper would find out and smack me around for playing RDT off as some naked playground or something. I guess it's back to the research paper machine idea....
Q: Why on GOD'S green Earth would any of you work at that place?! It makes Lovecraftian fiction seem safe by comparison! And sane!
A: Hm, this thing looks promising. Let's see, I put in my name, okay. Date. Professor. Topic. Some key words. A title, okay. Page count? Hmm, let's say 9. Hopefully out of 9 pages this thing will produce at least 4 pages of something intelligent. I ought to get a B for that. Okay. Blood sample? Er... hmm... well... okay, small price to pay for a free research paper.
Q: Is there anything at the RDT that you hate and wish would just... "disappear"?
A: OH MY GOD IT IS STABBING ME oh my god ohmygodowow.... THAT HURT! Stupid machine! OW! That hurt too! What's the big idea, asking for a blood sample and then RAMMING me with a horse needle?! This isn't RED CROSS it's a stupid dusty machine in a dark corner of the modern electronics wing! Who invented this thing? I bet they were stupid, and a jerk, only a stupid jerk would invent a vampire machine like this! Ohhh... all this yelling and blood loss makes me feel funny....
Q: I don't seem to have any luck with the ladies, while Davis practically trips over a new redhead everyday! What's his secret?
A: Need to... rest a second... think happy restful thoughts Davis, like that time you took Mary to the abandoned drive-in and used a flashlight to make a picture show on the screen for her, laying on the ground, nice and cool... like I'm laying on the ground now... nice and cool... no loss of blood... just restful.... ooh... okay, time to get up. Oh that's much better. Only bleeding a little.
Q: Are there real man-eating plants?
A: Urrm... uh.... okay... come back in half an hour for my paper, huh... I guess I can put this stuff away while I'm waiting.... how about you, cute little plant? You want to go into the greenhouse? Oops, I got blood on it. What is it doing now? Why are you moving around like that, little plAAAAAAUUUUUUUGHHHHHHHHH


:: 08/19/03

Q: What do you want?
Q: What Is This?
Q: Was that Mrs. Harper, her ancestor, or not at all related to her, in the prequel [the extra comic]?
Q: Do you have any pretty pink kitty ballerina princesses of doom?
A: KILL KILLrunfromlawnmowerKILL
Q: How does one get a job in the RDT?


:: 08/12/03

Q: May I see more of the little rag doll? She's by far my favorite character. ^_^ It's almost tempting to say that I'd love a stuffed toy to sit on my monitor ... almost. ;)
A: Awww, you are too cute! I'm not really made of rags though, I'm made of buttons and string and pretty yellow fabric! I'm glad you like me even though I was created for bitterness and long-distance voodoo torture and revenge. Sometimes people don't understand.
Q: Is there anything you wish the RDT had?
A: Well, if you had asked me that last week, I would have said "I wish I had a friend in the RDT who was my size!" because Golem is tall and I'm afraid Patton might use me as a scratching toy... but this week I found a new friend!
Q: Wait I just thought this up... do you have the brains of the people who want to have government cable control and banning on video games? If you ask me a person like that should be thrown deep, deep in the RDT...I mean they are just asking for riots and/or a civil war if you ask me.
A: Oh, hmm... well, there is a Dangerous Brain storage in the Mausoleum, but I think most of those people are dead first. But these guys don't sound very smart to me. I bet they didn't think those up themselves - I bet they looked in the Hall of Ideas and stole some. Maybe I'll leave a note so they'll do an inventory - we need that idea back! We don't need crazy ideas like that going around. They just make people look silly and cause all kinds of trouble.
Q: How is Genevie? Haven't heard from her in a while... was worried that spook in the third basement might have done something... is she okay?
A: Oh, she's doing fine! I'd let her answer you, but you probably wouldn't understand a word she says. She's crafty! And plus she knows how to use a sword and an axe and all sorts of stabbing and hitting things... so usually if someone gets too fresh with her, she can put them back in their place pretty fast. Those gloves of hers have metal in them or something, because they sure cause a lot of bruises, even on thick leathery-skinned monsters. Actually I think she is organizing a Ghost Club. She thinks they all are wandering too much because they really just want someone to hang out with, so she thinks maybe if she can wander them all into the same place at once... I think the angel food cake and punch will help! And that Dr. Mordecai J. Quincey had better keep his hands to himself!
Q: If knowledge is the most dangerous thing of all, doesn't that class Davis as the safest being alive?
A: Yeeee....well... no, because then you're assuming that the opposite is also true. While ignorance is bliss, it isn't necessarily safety! I don't think I have to tell you about all the times Davis has done something life-threatening because he was being ignorant. But that's okay! It's an internship, and that means if he survives, it's supposed to be a learning experience!

I've got to go now. I have a date!

:: 08/05/03

Q: Who are you?
A: I'm Davis! Davis Wilkins. That's me.
Q: Does the R.D.T. have the apple of discord?
A: That's the apple from the garden - no? Oh, the Greek one, that caused the Trojan War. Erm.... well, maybe. We probably have it stuck in the Olympus Box with all the other Greek junk in the Archives of Pre-Christian Religion. I didn't look too far into the box though, after I found the golden fleece loincloth of the minotaur... egh... can you even imagine how nasty that thing was? I mean, he's half animal, first of all, and he probably didn't bathe much, and it's been sitting around for who knows how long... anyway.... I just avoid that box now. I'm afraid I'll find Medusa's head or something. But if we have the apple, it's probably there. I'll give you five bucks to look through the box with your bare hands.
Q: I'm trapped at work and dying of boredom! What can I do?
A: Well, I don't know if your workplace is as... lively... as mine, but you can usually find something to do! If you can't find a broom closet to hide in and take a nap (if the arachnomice don't rat you out), you could always try waking yourself up with coffee. You could take a walk around the building. Or you could clean the bathroom. Or you could make up games or puppet shows to entertain yourself. (Just make sure your bosses don't find out what you're doing.) I recently filmed a nature show, but that didn't turn out well at all.
Q: What kind of classes is Davis taking, that he can work so many hours at the RDT? Does he have a particular major, or is he just trying to get any degree?
A: I'm a business major! The RDT is valuable workplace experience... or something.... I don't really work that many hours, only 30 a week. It's a paid internship, sorta. The RDT doesn't pay me itself but there's this grant thing where my six bucks an hour comes from. I also write bad term papers for the Internet for extra cash.
Q: Do you ever just want to leave and never return?
A: You're kidding me, right?
Q: According to your test, my perfect mate would be the beautiful Genevie, an assessment that my love of Charlemagne would seem to validate. How might I go about contacting her?
A: You wanna meet up with her? I dunno, she can be kinda mean.... that and she's dead. Well, I dunno. I guess I could hook you up. But I gotta write up a waiver of my responsibility for you to sign.

Allright, got work to do now. Oh, that's another thing - you could answer the mail if you're bored!

:: 07/29/03

Q: Will Davis ever be classified as a Dangerous Thing? He seems like a danger. Well at least to himself and possibly a few others around him. -Annu
A: That's funny, because I just had a dream about that recently. And if you tell anyone I had a dream about Davis, I'll send the monkey deathbots after you. Anyway, as much as I'd like to classify him as a Dangerous Thing and lock him up for his own good (and the good of everyone else), the policy is not to take on living Things unless they can take care of themselves. Which Davis can't.
Q: How often does Davis get lost?
A: Too often.
Q: Is it bad to date your employees?
A: It is if they are Davis, no matter how easy he is to manipulate.
Q: Does the RDT house any sort of dangerous music?
A: Of course. There's a whole warehouse in the Modern Electronics wing dedicated to dangerous music. There's the obvious ones, like Judas Priest, Ozzy Osbourne, etc. There are others, too. I can think of at least a dozen Christian rock bands that chant Satanic spells when you play them backwards. And Yanni. Lots of Yanni. All of this in a variety of formats: LPs, 8-tracks, cassettes, CDs, minidisc, a few hard drives of mp3s, even a few of those answering-machine tapes. There's two wind-up music boxes - you know, the old type with the barrel that goes around and pins will ring the metal keys as it rolls. And of course, my favorite, there's the phonograph that makes ANYTHING you play on it dangerous.
Q: Has anyone tried to break in and steal things from the Repository of Dangerous Things? If so, what happened to them? -Annu
A: Sure, people have tried to break in. Usually Golem happens to them.

Phew. That's mail for the week. Now to go reorganize the carnivorous file cabinets.

:: 07/16/03

Q: Would a big, blobby Seaweed creature that was made to clean up toxic waste and oil spills be dangerous? I mean he is kinda harmless, and usually just looks like a big pile of sea weed with a clear skin...he is harmless on his own, and smells like lemons and hates hurting other things without reason. He is mostly harmless except he likes to drag various toxic waste barrels to where he happens to live. And sometimes he makes raids on oil tankers, sometimes sinking them, but usually if he can't find any he just eats rotting corpses and the like. So would he be dangerous or not? By the way, he is telepathic and scans peoples minds to speak with them, and he has shiny eyes he sometimes uses to peek out to help digest things such as poisonous plants, jelly fish, fish and other animals he snacks on when he cant find rotten foods or toxic waste or oil.
A: Hey, I know that guy. He was my pen pal for a while... it gets so lonely here, you know. Most of the things here are pretty malicious, or they can't carry on a conversation at all. Anyway... it sounds like you found Pierre. He was all right. His letters were always kinda wet and they smelled funny, but he liked writing to me 'cause all that toxic residue he tends to leave behind doesn't hurt me at all. Not like they hurt Susan.... poor Susan. Hey, you know, he feels really bad about all the raids and corpses and animals. He knows he's got a problem. He's kind of a compulsive eater. He eats when he's depressed... and he's usually depressed, who can blame him? A freak of nature, living off the fatal dregs of others, doesn't even look like he belongs on the planet. I know how he feels. I just take long walks, but he eats. It's kind of a downward spiral for him though. People think he's gross because of what he does, and he does more of it because he's lonely. I told him he should stop and people would like him more... that's when he stopped writing to me. That's why I'm answering the mail... I keep hoping to hear from him... if you see him again, say hello?
Q: Has anything ever escaped the R.D.T.?
A: Well, not all of the things are sentient like me and Golem and some of the voodoo dolls and mummies and plants and supernatural creatures and pet brains, lucky them, they don't know how awful most people think they are. So they are just stored. A lot of the living things in the R.D.T. either can't or won't leave. Like the Ravel Tree might like to leave - I don't know, I never asked - but it's kind of growing there, you know? And some like me find it better here. Either we realize the world hates us and we think it's better just to stay away from them... or we just want to be left alone like Tentacula... or maybe some are staying for more lofty, esoteric reasons. Um... some do try to escape though, and I can understand that too. Sometimes they make it, I mean, this place is so big there's gotta be a few secret ways out. Golem keeps an eye on most of the known exits though. Other times they screw up royally and cause a big mess and boy are they gonna get it... heh heh.
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road? -Evil Cheese Man-
A: It was running away from me. I tried to say hi to it. It got scared. I said I was sorry! I didn't mean for it to get run over!
Q: Do Dangerous things make more danger for those who do or don't believe in them?
A: Hmm... I would have to say those who don't believe in them. If you believe in them, then you're appropriately cautious around them, because you never know what they'll do. I mean, how can you be sure if they're hurting you or helping you? If you don't believe in them, you could do all kinds of stupid things that you wouldn't have done otherwise. On the other hand, there are some creatures here... like me... that are nothing but nice and we'd never hurt anyone. We only want some company and maybe to help out if we're asked. Not like those monkey deathbots, who need Golem to keep them in line... I wondered if Ms. Harper just forgot to ask me to help them close Death's Door, but I guess she never intended to in the first place... but I didn't ask... she's scary...
Q: Tell me what you REALLY think.
A: I'm lonely. I wish I had a real friend.

Well, anyway... I guess none of you are Pierre... I'll go back downstairs now....